Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives…..
So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook:
I came to a conclusion this morning. It’s not that I don’t want to wake up again, but am afraid to. I am afraid of what that day will bring. Will it be good or bad? And the days that I am happy, I don’t want to sleep because I am afraid that I won’t have another happy day again.
Sitting here today, just reading that, astounds me. That there was a time I was so absolutely afraid to sleep because I didn’t want to stop the feeling of happiness! Sometimes, I didn’t want to endure yet another horribly depressing or long streak of self destructive days. The progress I have made in my therapy and by taking my medication, never seemed as apparent and clear as it does now, reading an entry like that.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I ever felt that badly or could relate to those feelings. Its been quite some time. But, the more time that passes, the better I feel, because I know that I am one day stronger. I also know that if I get to that self destructive point again, I surely can pick myself back up because I have more power, resources, and coping techniques to not let me continue a path of self sabotage and eventually be happy again.
But today, I’m going to be happy for the day I had, go to sleep and look forward to what lies ahead tomorrow. I’m definitely not scared anymore!!!!!!!!!!!