This is a direct entry from my journal. Sometimes I have to look back to see how far I have come and to remind myself where I DON’T want to go……
September 16, 2006
I spent the day with MSA from group. I had a good time. [My boyfriend’s] friend gave us his tickets to go see Wicked and we went. This was the second night in a row I felt normal. I mean, we talked a bit about group and some other things related to our illness, but for the most part, we just had fun. It was nice to be outside of therapy. Therapy is so emotionally draining. MSA and I were talking about how we both needed some intellectual stimulation though because we feel like our brains are dying. All I hear about lately is depression, mania, bipolar, schizophrenia, and low self-esteem & confidence, which is good and helpful, but at the same time, I am more used to intellectual things.
Right now I am watching Girl Interrupted. I’m scared. I am scared about ever going back in the hospital. It was so scary in there and I hope I never have to go back [side note: I do end up back in the hospital at 2 am Thanksgiving morning and again in October 2012]. Its so weird that I am not living my normal life or a life that people think is acceptable. I am on disability!!! Its hard for me to accept that because I can physically lead a normal life. I thought disability is supposed to be for people that have injuries or physical health problems. I don’t associate it with mental illness. Its so hard for me to accept that I was/am so sick inside that I can’t even perform basic things that never before gave me problems, like focusing.
I hate that now, being in crowds makes me so anxious I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate that I’m always afraid I’m going to have a meltdown around [my boyfriend]. Actually, I’m afraid of meltdowns in general. I hate them. Its so scary to not have control of my crying or anger or anxiety that right now I have to take meds to keep my moods regulated because I go up and down so fast and that they are so extreme.
I hate that I get so scared about being alone because of what moods I might get into and I might start cutting or crying and never stopping! But I like being alone to write and watch MY movies and do MY things. So I’m always torn in circles and don’t know which one is best. Being alone with my things or being with someone feeling safe, but not always doing what I want.
How long will it be before I have normal moods, and normal thoughts? Why does eating scare me? Why is it so hard to get out of a rut that I am in so deep. I feel like I am sinking most days. I feel happy and at peace every now and then, but mostly, unstable. I don’t want to push [my boyfriend] away, but at the same time, I don’t want to get too close because I don’t want to lose myself again and mold my entire existence around him and his activities and then my own life and things are 2nd in line. I want to be independent and confident.
I WANT TO STOP CRYING AND START LIVING!!!!! WHEN??????
Here is an excerpt from the next day….
September 17, 2006
…. Sometimes I want to claw my brain out. Thoughts come up and they won’t stop. I want them to stop. I want to erase all those memories. [some high school and college memories] We are all guilty of saying things we don’t mean, but why was I always the scapegoat? What did I do to all of them? The answer is easy. I didn’t fight back. I just gave up and sat in my room depressed cutting myself up. I was also thinking about what[a staff member] asked me in group about using my beauty as power. I do not enjoy being only identified by my looks or thinking I got what I want because of them, nor do I want others to assume that either. I work hard and have worked hard my whole life, but I am now questioning if I got where I am because of my looks or because of my ability. I feel like I always have to look nice and pretty and perfect because that is what everyone expects of me. The expect me to be dressed cute and makeup and hair perfect, perfect body. And I am tired of it. So, so, so, tired. I want to sleep and sleep and have someone just take care of everything for me. I am so tired of doing it all and then even my attempts aren’t good enough and there are not enough hours in the day.
I want to just give up. I want to give EVERYTHING up. I am tired of trying to be perfect when I am not. I’m tired of feeling like a loser because I’m not perfect. I’m worn out. Ever since I have left the hospital, I am expected to be 100% better and expected to do everything I was before the hospital AND MORE. When do I get to focus on me? The thoughts ruminate in my head, but I don’t have time to do anything about it because I’m trying to be perfect….