It was a year ago yesterday. The first time I went into the hospital. And I don’t know why, but yesterday and today all I can do is cry. I know I am happy at how far I have come, but at the same time, I think about what I was like back then and it makes me so sad. I still remember it all like it was yesterday. And, right now, I don’t know why, but the more I try to keep it together and not think about it, the more I am and the more I’m falling apart. I know this feeling won’t last forever, but what are you supposed to feel like on occasions like this?
I know I have come a long way and I am so different now, in a good way and am so thankful for that and so proud of myself. But then, I also think about how bad I let things get and how bad I let myself become and I get sad and mad at myself. All those bad feelings that I had before are rushing back. The more I try to stop them, the more they come. I guess that, as with anything, time will make it easier, and eventually, I won’t even really think about it anymore, but I can still remember everything about those days so clear and vivid in my mind. Its almost like I am right there again.
But, to all those that have been there for me this past year, during all that crap…Thank you!!! I could never have gotten to where I am without you. You were there when my whole world was crashing down on me. And you have been there to help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Thank you!!!! I love you all for that!
I should be out celebrating the fact that I am not in the hospital; that I am living my life and moving past that part. Instead I am sitting here crying about it. Maybe I just need a day every now and then to remember what it was like. It might help me serve as a reminder to do everything possible to prevent myself from ever being back in that spot again. Who knows, but these past couple of days have been pretty sad ones for me.
A few people have noticed that I have been acting differently. I blamed it on tiredness, when really I have just been sad and far too embarrassed to admit to anyone why I have been acting differently. So, to those I didn’t tell the truth to, I am sorry. I really have been extremely tired because of school, but that wasn’t the only reason. I apologize.
Tomorrow is another day. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Hopefully I don’t get stung by another bee, cause that shit really HURTS!!!! Seriously. It does!