All, Bipolar Hot Mess Daily Life, Random Musings, Relationships (Love)

Every Night I Am Afraid….

Yes. I am afraid. Its bedtime and this is the time I always become afraid. I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, and basically just forget all about me.

I’m afraid that I am going to go to sleep and then when I wake up the next morning, its all going to be gone. Everything we have. Gone. And even when I tell myself that it’s foolish and silly to think that because we are still in contact every day and that this is only temporary, I still can’t let that feeling go. Every night I go to sleep in our bed and I’m reminded of that empty spot next to me. Its like that empty spot in my heart. There is a big patch of loneliness there too. When I am at home, just doing the daily routine, I miss his comments, and I miss his presence. I miss kissing him goodbye every morning before I go to work and his half mumbling. I miss him yelling at me for having the most obnoxious alarm and then hitting snooze about 80 times. I miss his gadgets and ideas. I miss his smile. I miss everything.

The one thing I don’t miss though are the flashbacks. They won’t go away. They are not as bad, or as frequent, as before, but a certain noise, a certain phrase, a movie scene, or even a picture, will trigger it all and it comes flooding back. I wish THOSE would go away. I wish he could come back.

But we can’t always have what we want. In a perfect world, things would be so much different. How do I stop missing him so very much? How do I stop crying at night? How do I stop being so lonely all the time? I don’t know how I became so dependent on him, but when I am without him, I feel weird. Maybe it’s just because I feel bad going out anywhere and doing anything because he cant, or maybe its because I have convinced myself that its going to be weird without him, so I make it weird. I don’t know, but I just want him to come back. I know he is lonely out there too. I know that this can’t be easy for him either, so, lets just bring him back and move along!!! Yup, that’s what would happen in my perfect world……. sigh.

~Memories of a Prison Wife, yes. that was me.

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