Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid.

It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much I love him, and basically just forget all about me.

I’m afraid that I am going to go to sleep and when I wake up the next morning, it’s all going to be gone. Everything we have. Gone. And even when I tell myself how foolish and silly it is to think that way because we are still in contact every day.  True, this is only temporary, but they say that place changes people so I just can’t let that feeling go. Every night I go to sleep in our bed and I’m reminded of that empty spot next to me. It’s just like that empty spot in my heart.

There is a big patch of loneliness there too.

When I am at home, just doing the daily routine, I miss his comments, I miss his presence. I miss the little things like kissing him goodbye every morning before I go to work and his half mumbling responses. I miss him yelling at me for having the most obnoxious alarm and hitting snooze about 80 times every morning. I miss his gadgets and ideas. I miss his smile. I miss everything.

I don’t miss the flashbacks.

They just won’t go away. While they are not as bad, or as frequent, as before, still, a certain noise, a certain phrase, a movie scene, a picture, or something catching the corner of my eye, will trigger it all and it comes flooding back. I wish those would go away and I wish he could come back.

But we can’t always have what we want.

In a perfect world, things would be so much different. How do I stop missing him so very much? How do I stop crying at night? How do I stop being so lonely all the time? I don’t know how I became so dependent on him, but now without him, I feel weird. Maybe it’s because I feel bad going out anywhere and doing anything without him because he cant, or maybe it’s because I have convinced myself so much for so long that it’s going to be weird without him, so in my head I make it weird. I don’t know about that for sure, but what I do know for sure is I just want him to come back. I know he is lonely out there too, just like I know that this can’t be easy for him either. So, here is a simple solution, let’s just bring him back and we can move along!

That’s what would happen in my perfect world……. sigh.

~Memories of a Prison Wife, yes, that was me.

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Christi

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