AHHHH! It’s a compliment!! HIDE!!!

Does anyone else find it hard or uncomfortable when they receive a compliment?  Like, almost unreal or unbelievable that someone would think that of you?  I have found it increasingly hard to accept a compliment.  For many, many years I battled with low self-esteem and when I finally started to gain it back, I was surrounded by people who knocked me down.  When you are continually put down, it gradually wears on you and breaks you down.  It drives me crazy!!!!  I mean, seriously.  I know logically that I am smart.  How else would I receive 2 bachelors degrees, graduate with honors, get into law school, work at top law firms, etc.  The evidence is there.  But in my heart, I don’t believe it.

Beautiful?  That one is incredibly hard to believe.  But, not only does it carry over into compliments, but other things.  Like hugs.  I am HUGE on giving hugs.  I give hugs to everyone to help cheer them up, make them feel better, to say hello or goodbye, but when someone wants to initiate a hug with me…. its like a foreign concept.  I can’t understand why anyone would want to hug me.  It just seems odd and weird.

And the words “I Love You.”  I haven’t heard those words in so long, so even when my parents say those words to me it just seems weird.  I’m the one who always says those words.  Hearing them come back to me seems weird and unbelievable.  I sit and wonder “Why?”  Why would someone love me?

THIS is what my life has become.  I once was a girl who believed all those compliments and never questioned anything.  I believed that I was smart, beautiful, funny, and loveable.  Over time, I let others and allowed others to bring me down and say things to me that let me believe that I was NOT any of those things.  I let them break me apart.  Now, I am left with the pieces of what I once was and people who really believe in me and believe all of those things about me who are trying to help me put myself back together, but I can’t believe them yet.  I want to believe them.

Compliments are not something we need to hide from.  Yes, they can be uncomfortable at times, especially if you are not used to them, but the more you hear them, the comfortable they will sound.  Everyday I try to repeat all those compliments to myself  hoping that they will stick and be less uncomfortable when someone says them to me.

I also want to say to all those that compliment me, I appreciate all the of the compliments. I really do.  They do make me smile and they do mean a lot to me.  I may not express it the right way but I do appreciate them and am learning how to take them to heart and to believe them.

Through a lot of my writing and blogging for mental illness and bipolar disorder, I have also been told by many that I am an inspiration.  I don’t think of myself as an inspiration as I currently stand.  But, the road that I have taken so far has been inspirational and the road that I will continue to travel will INDEED be inspirational because here I am, 6 years after my first hospitalization where I had to rebuild my life, back at ground zero rebuilding my life all over again.  This time though, there is going to be a whole new cast of characters.  Well, there are some of the same characters (only they are older and at different stages in their life so they have changed as well) and those characters have been there for me in thick and thin.  The new characters will definitely bring about a whole new twist on my life.

So, lets get ready to learn how to accept and believe in compliments again and get back on that inspirational life path!!!!!!

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Christi


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