Anniversaries, milestones established and remembered because they have some type of significant meaning. There are wedding anniversaries, anniversaries with your place of employment, anniversaries of sobriety dates, I think you get the point. But today, today is an anniversary that I’m very conflicted about. There are many reasons to be happy and celebrate it, on the other hand, there are reasons why I harbor some ill feeling toward this day in particular. That said, I don’t know if I should even be keeping track of this date anymore and treat it as an anniversary, or if I should chalk this one up as a loss. The negative tends to outweigh the positive so instead of putting me in a festive mood, it makes me bitter and angry all over again.
Three years ago today, I completed my “sentence” for the little (ok, slightly life altering) event that involved me and the legal system. Most people would think that finishing a government imposed punishment would be fabulous and they would be breaking out the bubbly; but, I am not quite at that point yet. Why? Well, I guess I should make the pros and cons, wait, “cons” LOL. OK OK. Totally cheesy joke, but maybe if I write out those lists, I will be able to clear this conundrum which has plagued me the last three years.
- I can travel outside the Chicagoland area without having to get a permission slip, and the travel is no longer restricted to very few circumstances. (Get caught without that permission slip, well, it’s not a good idea, let’s just leave it at that)
- No more random phone calls, drinking as much fluid as possible, then running the 2 blocks over to the Federal building to go pee in a cup with someone staring at you while you do it. (Yes, they watch you so there is no funny business with trying to cheat with your sample. You get one strike with a dirty sample. Strike 2, you are out, and not showing up counts as a strike)
- No more monthly report sheets to fill out and visits back to the Federal Building to hand them in.
- My freedom is restored. I don’t have to report or check in with ANYONE anymore.
- No more random “home checks” (where they come to the address you have listed as your home and look around,to make sure you ACTUALLY live there. Oh yes, they check the closets and everything.)
- I can eat poppy seeds again!!
I am sure there are more, but that’s all I can think of at the moment.
- My legal career still is gone and that won’t be coming back. ( Even though others will get their law license back and can practice law again)
- It’s one more date that I am reminded of just how stupid I was and another example of a stupid thing I did to trash my life.
- One more day that I get to be reminded how the justice system sucks.
- I get pissy because I want to start yelling and screaming “HOW THE HELL DID THIS WHOLE GOVERNMENT AND LEGAL SYSTEM THAT IS ALL ABOUT “CHECKS AND BALANCES” ALLOW PROSECUTORS TO HAVE NO ONE, THAT’S RIGHT, NO ONE OVERSEEING THEM AND REGULATING THEM!!!!! Private attorneys have the American Bar Association and such. Prosecutors pick and choose and do whatever the hell THEY want and that is supposed to be “justice,”
- I get even more mad that I haven’t finished writing my book yet.
- I realize that another year has gone by and I’m still angry inside about this. A “normal” person would be over it by now, but not me. No, not Miss Hypersensitive Bipolar Hot Mess sunk in a hole of bitterness and self loathing, self hatred and disgust with the continuity of her ability to make yet one more bad decision topped with another horrible decision coated with an even worse decision even though she is trying her hardest to make better decisions.
- Its another day for her to hear the words echoing through her head .. “I told you so….” living on in her head for a good 6 months, while she continues to try and fix all the bad that came out of the situation trying to do things better and differently, but those words never go away…..
Hypersensitivity. Several shrinks, hospital staff, and therapists have all agreed. “Perfectionist, hypersensitivity, and can not take criticism.”
I guess I have my answer then on what to do about this date……..