Here I am. Another year older. I woke up this morning and was actually relieved that I was not hungover (as I usually am after a night of birthday celebrations) but instead just looked like I was run over. If smeared eyeliner and the rats nest of curls with mass quantities of hairspray were the only evidence of a night out, then for sure it was a success. I’ve also been awake for almost 12 hours and there has been not one phone call or text reminding me of any shaming behaviors or embarrassing conversations that had occurred. My celly is devoid of any evidence of any of the aforementioned as well; no embarrassing photos or blacked out texts that I had sent and had no recollection of until the morning after.
The BIPOLAR HOT MESS REALLY IS GROWING UP! Not only am I a year older, but I REALLY TRULY AM WISER!
I know that drinking is definitely not a good combo with having bipolar and the meds I take for it, but on occasion I can have small amounts and still behave. Last night, I was able to actually indulge in a few beverages, know my limit, be aware of my limit, NOT push the limit, and remain in my happy place, (which even allowed others to be in their happy place too because I was under control!).
Does this mean I am now free to drink anytime alcohol is served because I have learned to control myself and had one positive result in a difficult test?
NO! Part of learning is knowing that there are certain times and situations that I should not even attempt to add alcohol to the mix because it is just going to cause an explosion at the very least, an earthquake or hurricane most likely. One major thing I learned from last night is that I am now starting to become much more in tune with myself and the mood of those around me, and to make better choices so I can properly handle certain situations that usually would have resulted in an excruciatingly painful night ending in a lot of shame and regret. SO YAY to the Bipolar Hot Mess for starting her birthday off right!
How else have I made positive changes?
I have decided to take the advice of all my therapists, friends and family, and began doing more positive things for myself instead of spending all my waking minutes either working, or trying to solve the problems of, and save, every single person in the world. So I already have gotten a jump start.
Since midnight of October 1, 2011, these are the things that I have done for me:
- went to murder mystery dinner theater with my friends (I have always wanted to do that);
- was able to manage and regulate myself when drinking so that the next morning would not be absolutely miserable and filled with the “what happened?” and embarrassment from the previous nights events;
- finally organized an enormous, toppling over, stack of mail and attended to all those bills and statements, including putting many on auto bill pay so there is no more paper mail and guaranteed no late payments or late fees;
- FINALLY figured out how to sync my calendar and contacts from Google to my iPhone! I’ve only had the phone for about 2 months now. Now I can be SURE of appointments more than 10 minutes in advance when getting the email reminder. (yes my typing skills still suck on it, and the ability to use any feature outside of Facebook, Words with Friends or Sudoku, or the music, is still almost non-existent, but hey, baby steps right? It’s incredibly terrible and rough going from the world of the Blackberry and BBM, to the world of Apple and its million and two different apps. It’s like a new GALAXY!);
- Many may not know this, but for someone with a history of eating disorders, the grocery store is probably the most feared and hated place to go. Then, when you are able to muster up enough courage, it is never a short trip. I dread going and will wait until we literally have NOTHING left in the house before I am forced to go. So, once through the door, it always takes a minimum of 2 hours. Then, there is one of my favorite stores, the craft store, which is usually at minimum, at least an hour. TODAY, I hit both stores in 1 hr and 15 minutes. I didn’t waste my entire evening, like usual, yet I still got everything I needed from the store and investigated what I needed to investigate at the craft store. How did I do it? Instead of himing and hawing over everything I actually executed decisions quickly AND, did not look at ONE food label! AMAZING! And even better, with the time I saved, I was able to write this post! You may not think this was for me, but saving all that time was DEFINITELY for me!
- I made it a special point to sit and watch at least one tv show without my phone or computer anywhere around. I am constantly multi tasking because I always feel that I need to be as productive as I possibly can be so I do multiple tasks at once. This time, I not only got a dose of my mystery fix by watching some Alfred Hitchcock, but I also watched it with my full attention. I haven’t done that in FOREVER! It was actually better for me because I was able to do my work faster without the tv in the background and I still got to see an entire show. Another plus for making changes and trying to be more productive. It worked!
- I am a huge procrastinator so in my attempt to take control back and let ME run my life and not my illness, I actually got my prescriptions filled AHEAD of time so I am not scrambling around at the last minute!! A stress saver for sure!