This is a post that was written a few birthdays ago. As my birthday approaches, I thought it would be interesting to see how I have handled my birthday the past few years. Here is one year.
I not only notice all the signs of aging on my physical appearance, but I always make a list of all the things I am going to try to do differently or things to accomplish, kind of like New Years resolutions, but I make them on my birthday. This year, as I began to make my list, all the words of friends, family, and therapists galore were singing loud and clear. “STOP PUTTING YOURSELF LAST. STOP LETTING OTHERS GOALS AND DREAMS BE THE END BENEFIT OF EVERYTHING YOU DO. MAKE OTHERS HELP YOU GET TO YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS TOO. YOUR LIFE HAS BECOME COMPLETELY ONE SIDED: EVERYONE ELSE WITH YOU AT THE TAIL END GASPING FOR AIR, STRUGGLING FOR STRENGTH, AND DYING A LITTLE MORE WITH EACH STEP YOU TAKE BECAUSE YOU LET EVERYONE ELSE DO WHATEVER THEY HAD TO DO AND YOU USED ALL OF YOUR ENERGY HELPING THEM ATTAIN THEIR DREAMS, THERE IS NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU. ” Which, I will admit, is the truth. It’s absolutely the truth. Even though I acknowledge that those voices are right, that doesn’t stop them and they still continue “AND IF THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE DO NOT HELP YOU OR ENCOURAGE YOU IN MEETING YOUR GOALS, AND DON’T TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO ACCOUNT, THEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL BE WASTED. YOU WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN JUST AN “EMPLOYEE” OR SIMILAR, AND YOU WILL NEVER ATTAIN ANY OF THE THINGS THAT YOU SET OUT. AND IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR LIST, YEAR AFTER YEAR, THE THINGS YOU WRITE DOWN ARE ALL THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT OR EXPECT. NONE OF IT IS FOR YOU EITHER.”
For the last week, those words have been singing so loudly in my head, I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, I had an emergency shrink visit, and I have never in my life felt so lost, so confused, and so alone. Its like, I just woke up and have amnesia. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going or whats right anymore. I don’t know who is real and who is just using me for my help. I don’t know who loves me or who just loves what I do for them. I don’t know who values me as a person anymore. The list that usually consists of losing weight (so I look good and my sig other will remain attracted to me), be more productive with my time (so I can get all the household things accomplished, and all the things I’m asked to do done, and still have some time to spend), being better, and writing down the things I’m asked to do and getting them done, now has me recognizing that the more I write of this list, I realize that not one of those things is designed to benefit me or anything that I like doing. AT ALL. And that is supposed to be MY free time. Do I have free time now? Not really. And I am always tired. And I am always crying. AND I CAN”T STOP. And so I’m going into my birthday, starting off my days another year older as a crying blubbering mess.
What did the doc say? The doctor said that there is nothing he can do for me. All of the stress on my moods, all of ups and downs, all of the overwhelming sadness and the hole that I am stuck in, it’s all caused by situational factors. Situational factors? Yup, factors that can easily be gotten rid of in their eyes by changing them. Oh, that easy? Just changing the situations in your life? That is not an easy task at all. It involves other people, and not always are other people receptive to your views on things. In fact, while half the world tells me that I am one of the most UNSELFISH people they have ever met because of all the things I do, I have others who say that I’m completely selfish and self centered. What do I do with that? What am I???? How do I figure it out????
I can’t figure it out because I’m stuck in this damn hole. The hole that is the “you don’t do anything right, you spend too much time doing this or that, how come you don’t have time to help me with this, you should be doing that, there you go crying again don’t you ever stop, you don’t do anything around here, the deadline is passed where’s the stuff, I need this done NOW,” and I sink further and further and further down while everyone else has their own goals and dreams and are on their paths to reaching them. What about me? I’m still that bitch behind the scenes clearing the path for everyone else.
So this year, I am declaring it the year of ME! I am not a personal assistant, I am not a robot, I am not a doormat, I am not your mother, I am not your cleaning lady, I am not your practice dummy. This year, I am going to be ME. I will not tolerate being treated like crap. I will not tolerate ignored phone calls or ignored text messages. You pull that, I will make sure that I don’t answer your calls or texts until I decide I’m ready. I WILL be treating others as they are treating me. If you choose to not want to have any part in my mood swings and help me through them, then I sure as hell will not be there to help you through yours, nor will I be there to inflate your egos either because there is no one there inflating mine. If that means that I get more love, attention, and affection from my dog, SO BE IT, because when I am bawling my eyes out because I can’t make everyone happy, I cant solve all the problems and create peace, and am standing on my balcony or even just dreaming that I am standing on the balcony wanting to jump off, its that dog that is sitting on my lap or resting their head on my lap. No one wants to be around me when I’m in that place. Only happy Christi allowed. Well, if you want happy Christi, you have to deal with sad and moody and bipolar Christi too. You get the gist of this.
This year, is the year of ME.
There are the people out there that think I am so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed and that all I think about is myself. I know this because I have been told it. But, I just discovered that those that say that, are really the selfish and self absorbed people. They are the ones that get upset when I don’t have the time to help them. Well, why don’t I have the time to help them? Because I am either working to try to keep an income for my family, or because I am working on the various websites in which I am helping other people. In which my words to them actually matter and when I’m sunk, they don’t run from me, but instead grab my hand and try to help me back up. But I help others not for anything in return, but because I know what it feels like to not have anyone that can help you. To be going through something that is scary and unknown all alone is terrifying. Yet, everyone thinks that THEY are the ones that should be scared. They don’t recognize that you would be scared and so they flee. They flee to protect themselves because they believe their pain is worse than yours. They can think that. But, when the time comes and they are in pain, there is no sympathy for that. I continue to help others because those situations are so common and its such a lonely and scary feeling that I don’t want anyone else to have to go through that. Even if I have helped just one person so that they don’t feel so alone or don’t feel so scared, then its been worth it for me to get the hell that I get. But, I want to continue helping people. It makes me happy to do that. I wish other people could see that you don’t need to receive money for something to reap benefits. I would rather have one smile, or one day without crying or feeling like a old, ugly, useless, piece of crap, than to have a million dollars. Just one.
So, I don’t want any birthday gifts this year. All I ask of those that are part of my life is, this year, put the positive energy in MY direction and help me achieve MY goals too. I have enough negativity (which I will be weeding out), so positive vibes and this year, this Hot Mess is going to actually smile more, not because she is hypomanic, but because she will be achieving something for herself! And I know this might be selfish, but I don’t ask much of anybody. That said……… I think I might be ready to bring on the birthday…………..