I guess when you can’t focus or concentrate on something, it’s an indication that something else is on your mind. This weekend, I had a lot of reality checks (these past few months have been a lot of that!!!! But, better now than never!) Sometimes we all need a good swift kick in the ass or a good reality check. However, when doing a reality check, instead of beating yourself up over every mistake you have made, or every bad thing you have done, etc and putting everything on you, step back and realize that
there are always two sides to every story!!!!!
Take an objective look at the situation.
Instead of blaming it all on you, or all on the other person, entertain the idea that there could be some responsibility with everyone involved.
When I was forced to look at a situation, I used to continually beat myself up for everything and blame it all on me, or I would blame it all on the other person! But now, I have to remind myself to stop and take a step back. I will assess the situation more rationally, which means that I need to recognize what MY part in the whole situation was, take responsibility for that and try to change it.
*KEEP IN MIND If/When you get advice or opinions from someone removed from the situation, remember that they may only have information from one side of the story, so their “objective” opinion may not be so objective.
Someone once told me two VERY important things.
- Stop living in the past and stop basing everything on the past; and
- Do things for yourself, not other people!
Now, I know I hurt a lot of people, that I was a shitty friend, and was a shitty person for a while. However, I can not keep letting THOSE PREVIOUS behaviors prevent me from showing people that I have changed.
Showing change can only come if there is consistency.
Showing you’ve changed means letting go of the past. You also can not let it shame you from showing you’ve changed, which can be hard, I know. You have to hope that everyone else will be open to giving you the chance to show you’ve changed too, because if they aren’t open to giving you a chance, then no matter what you do, they will always see the past and any efforts on your part are moot.
But, you can’t let that stop you from changing!!!!! You can only realize that letting that one person, or one specific group of people, diminish your efforts will only bring you down. If you change for yourself, the change will be more meaningful, easier to keep consistent, and will become YOU!
So what do all the blame and change have to do with each other?
Well, because of the way situations played out in the past, you took all the blame. They put all the blame on you, you let them, and therefore you made things even worse for yourself because you began to believe you were this terrible person. You were this horrible person because anytime something went awry, the blame was put on you and you didn’t know any better at the time except to accept the blame. Well, after a certain amount of time, ANYONE, who would be presented with that type of situation would eventually break. How much can one person carry on their shoulders? But you believed you were this horrible person, so you acted it. You told yourself that over and over, and soon it affected every part of your life.
NOW, you know differently. You know that those situations were NOT all your fault. You were NOT always to blame. Yes, there were times you did have a part in some of the unfortunate situations, but it wasn’t 100% always your fault. The other parts though, the eventual becoming a shitty friend because you believed you were this terrible person, THAT was your fault and your responsibility to fix.
Learning how to assess a situation properly and to really be able to step back and determine what your role in the whole thing is, takes a lot of practice, especially if you were quite used to always taking the blame.
BUT IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO FIX!!
Before reacting, or overreacting, take a step back and think about what you said or did, what the other party said or did, and what the actual cause of the disturbance or situation is. Make sure you can clearly define your participation in it, if any, and take responsibility for that. NO MORE THAN THAT! If you begin to own up to your mistakes, and only your mistakes, you will feel a lot lighter, but, you might notice that you aren’t such a bad person after all. It might actually be the other one(s) that were.