Are your feelings like a scary movie????

Do certain emotions freak you out?  Like love for example.  Does the thought of being in love terrify you so much you find yourself retreating up the stairs and trapped in a closet while love comes after you ready to attack at any second?  (In every scary movie, everyone always runs up the stairs and traps themselves instead of running out the door.  Instinct I guess?  Pretty shitty instinct though. The villan is going to… Continue Reading

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Where Did I Lose Your Love? My Last Letter To You

Or maybe the better question is When? Dear Ex…wait,  you aren’t very dear, so how about To The Ex, I’ve been there for you in the good times and the bad.  I tried to be the best ME that I could be.  When I discovered people trying to hurt you, I told you, yet you always found a way to make me the bad one. I still sucked it up.  I let it happen time… Continue Reading

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Another year older, but wiser?

Here I am.  Another year older.  I woke up this morning and was actually relieved that I was not hungover (as I usually am after a night of birthday celebrations) but instead just looked like I was run over.  If smeared eyeliner and the rats nest of curls with mass quantities of hairspray were the only evidence of a night out, then for sure it was a success.  I’ve also been awake for almost 12… Continue Reading

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Where’s the lowest low on the bipolar coaster?

Wouldn’t all of us with bipolar like to know the answer to THAT!! The problem is, the joke’s on US! There IS NO ANSWER to that question! What do I mean there’s no answer? Well, we first have to start off with a few facts. Bipolar has varying severities  (i.e. BP I, BP II, etc.) The HIGHS experienced in bipolar are either: full blown mania in Bipolar I (the most extreme because it can cause… Continue Reading

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That same haunting question…

It has become a theme as I read through old journals and poems and pages of notes I’ve scribbled through the years. That same thing I believe many of us with any kind of illness constantly asks ourselves. What did I do wrong that caused me to get this? I have one journal entry where I write: I have always tried to be nothing but nice and do the right thing, and 20 years later… Continue Reading

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How do you rise after the “Big Crash”?

You wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and staring back is remnants of 4 years of ups and downs, job loss, lost loves, lost friendships, not to mention the wear and tear of countless different medication combinations; fear as you look around your room, in your parents house.  That THIS is what you let yourself become after you swore to yourself after your first hospital visit in 2006, when you were diagnosed, that… Continue Reading

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When I’m Sorry Is No Longer Enough

Sometimes in relationships, the words “I’m Sorry” begin to lose their meaning. In some cases, can begin to mean nothing when we keep using them so flippantly as a quick band-aid, but then don’t follow through and change those actions or behaviors. In many situations, you can be saying I’m sorry, all while knowing that those words don’t mean anything to the other person anymore.  It’s just an “auto fill” statement that comes out when… Continue Reading

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Why I Hate Hollywood……yet can’t stay away *sigh*

They are liars.  Yes folks.  They lie there.  They make these movies and make these characters that are just too perfect.  Then, we watch these movies and when our life doesn’t compare to the perfection in their movies, we are miserable.  Hollywood makes us miserable because we are trying to attain the illusions they put in front of us.  Thats all they are!  Illusions.  The movies are supposed to make us feel good, supposed to… Continue Reading

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A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

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Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

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