A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

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Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

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So, What Do You Do For A Living?

Whenever I am invited to attend an event, or even just go out in public, there is a certain rush of anxiety that washes over me that remains there all the way not just until the day of the event or outing but lasting all through it as well.  What could possibly be so daunting for me? I mean, I used to be a social butterfly and out and about more days and nights of… Continue Reading

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Adventures in the Psych Ward

I was reading the book Manic, by Terri Cheney and I got to a part in her story where she is describing a visit to a psych facility.  Ms. Cheney was describing it with such vividness, it brought me back to 10 years ago; the first group of my hospital visits .(I’ve had 3 of them, 2 were within a 3 months period and the last one was about 7 years later at a different… Continue Reading

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Barbie can have a brain too!

There was a very big stereotype that Barbie, you know, the perfectly figured blonde haired beauty was just that, outter beauty. She wasn’t known for being smart or intellectual. Every girl not only wanted a Barbie doll, but they wanted to be Barbie. Why? Well, who wouldn’t? Barbie had this incredible “dream home” a silver corvette, a gorgeous boyfriend named Ken, not to mention all the fabulous clothes and accessories. Her plastic world looked so… Continue Reading

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Another birthday creeping up…

Another year farther away from what my life used to be.  That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.  This year, I want to make this a birthday to remember, but I want to remember it the way my new life is; not how life used to be. What did life used to be? (I’m going to use different names to protect the privacy of those… Continue Reading

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Paintbrush

I keep my paintbrush with me Wherever I may go In case I need to cover up So the real me doesn’t show I’m so afraid to show you me Afraid of what you’ll do That you might laugh or say mean things I’m afraid I might lose you. I’d like to remove all my paint coats To show you the real, true me, But I want you to try and understand I need you… Continue Reading

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How Many Times Can You Pull The “Med Change” card?

Having a mental illness usually means we have tried a medication or two, or two hundred. We all have different reactions to medications  as well. Some medications may help us, but some medications can end up with the unfortunate side effects that are worse than the effects you experience due to your illness and are trying to subdo.  Typically when that happens, you and your doctor will sit down and discuss another alternative to try… Continue Reading

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Fake A** Peeps … Letting Go of “Dead Weight” .. another step toward moving on

I think we all encounter a few types of people in our lives that fit into some specific categories that if not handled the right way, can really affect our lives in a negative way. However, what type of person WE are and how we handle each type of person, makes a huge difference. It can make or break a situation. Take me for example. I’m the person who has to “fix” everybody and make… Continue Reading

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Sometimes traditional therapy just doesn’t cut it!

Lets face it.  Having bipolar disorder can give us some symptoms that are really, really hard to control, like trouble with our spending habits.  Not all of us face it, but a lot do.  Some call it spending sprees, others refer to it as retail therapy.  Whatever your pleasure, its still the same.  Mine used to be going on my lunch break and walking around the stores, gathering all the things that I thought I… Continue Reading

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