A Day In the Life of A Bipolar in Therapy

This is a direct entry from my journal.  Sometimes I have to look back to see how far I have come and to remind myself where I DON’T want to go…… September 16, 2006 I spent the day with MSA from group.  I had a good time.  [My boyfriend’s] friend gave us his tickets to go see Wicked and we went.  This was the second night in a row I felt normal.  I mean, we… Continue Reading

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That same haunting question…

It has become a theme as I read through old journals and poems and pages of notes I’ve scribbled through the years. That same thing I believe many of us with any kind of illness constantly asks ourselves. What did I do wrong that caused me to get this? I have one journal entry where I write: I have always tried to be nothing but nice and do the right thing, and 20 years later… Continue Reading

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A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

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Feelings or Numb

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.) Why do you love someone?? Love is such a weird emotion. I hate loving people. Actually, I hate having emotions. I hate feelings. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset. I hate being annoyed. I hate loving someone. I hate it because I always love that person too much. I always love the person like 100 times more… Continue Reading

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More Excerpts from the Bipolar Hot Mess Journals……

…do you ever think that your life is meaningless?  And everything you have worked to achieve is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and if it took almost years to accomplish this then all the things I want to, or should, accomplish will never be achieved so no point in trying anymore.  Time to just say Fuck it all and realized that this is all I am meant to be for now.  So,… Continue Reading

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The End of Us

Who knew that after being one of the very few people standing in your court, backing you up when everyone else is running away from you like you are the one in flames standing in a barn full of hay, that the joke would really end up being on ME!  Ironically,  I would somehow be the one on fire and you would not have a fire extinguisher, or even a bucket of water, but you… Continue Reading

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Love, Emotions, I hate feeling emotions…

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.) Why do you love someone?  Love is such a weird emotion to me. I hate the fact that my mind and body have the ability to love people.  Actually, on second thought, I hate having a lot of other emotions and feelings.  I mean, love isn’t the only emotion. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset and let’s… Continue Reading

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