Closing the Door

The last bag is packed, the boxes all taped Every thought about every mistake I look around the cold and empty room No longer home, the bride leaving the groom There’s suddenly no air, my lungs, I can’t breathe My legs begin to tremor so I can not leave The desyncappated beat of whats left of my heart The pieces of my life scattered, all broken apart Close the door, drive away, all the tears […]

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My Angel

You came to me from out of the blue I was broken and tattered with a heart torn in two Where did you come from? You didn’t say a word You put your arms around me and immediately I felt cured Your laughter and smile make me laugh and smile too You’ve made me want to be better not just for me, but also for you I want you to feel happy, cared, and loved […]

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Is one type of pain better than another?

Is physical pain better or worse than emotional pain? More like, is CHRONIC physical pain worse than emotional pain? The answer?  Neither is better or worse than the other.  Emotional pain, while it begins mentally, it can absolutely cause physical pain too.  Chronic pain? It starts in episodes, then it just kinda settles in, unpacks it’s bags and puts it’s feet up as you learn to deal with more and more pain.  Emotional pain, does […]

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My Friend ED.. aka eating disorder

Friend.  HA!  Isn’t that a joke. ED wants you to think he’s your friend, but does a friend slowly suck the life out of you and consume your ever waking (and even sleeping) moment with obsession and self loathing?  Hmmm. Actually… Just Kidding.  I wouldn’t call that a friend!  And yet, no matter how hard you try to get rid of him, he is always there, just lingering in the back of your mind, just […]

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What happens if you say no?

In the last few weeks, I have had a few people approach me and ask me for help in some form or another.  Now, what is the Hot Mess’ immediate reaction when someone asks for help? “Sure!” And then it happens.  I’ve committed to something else.  What I fail to do before immediately responding is to assess how much I currently have on my plate, or what I have going on in my life and […]

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AHHHH! It’s a compliment!! HIDE!!!

Does anyone else find it hard or uncomfortable when they receive a compliment?  Like, almost unreal or unbelievable that someone would think that of you?  I have found it increasingly hard to accept a compliment.  For many, many years I battled with low self-esteem and when I finally started to gain it back, I was surrounded by people who knocked me down.  When you are continually put down, it gradually wears on you and breaks […]

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The “WTF Is Happening” Phase

Initial Chaos I can’t speak for everyone, but right before I was diagnosed with bipolar and the weeks and months after, there was A LOT of chaos. When I talk about chaos, I talk not just with me, but with my friends and family too. One minute, there I was, sitting in my office Bates stamping documents for a document production for one of the cases I was working on, the next, I was in […]

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Yes, We can be “dramatic,” but that is just how our feelings work.

There are times when I absolutely want to scream at friends or family, or throw things around my room, but then (usually very shortly) after,  I feel absolutely, devastatingly horrible for even letting a thought like that cross my mind. And when I say  “absolutely, devastatingly horrible,” I’m not talking about the typical, standard, everyday remorse that is felt when you say, think, or do something in the heat of the moment and you immediately […]

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Paralegal by Day…

“So what are your plans for the weekend?” asked my friendly paralegal office neighbor as she popped her head in my office on her way out for the weekend. “Going out of town to see my husband,” I replied. “Oh. Is he out of town for business?” I paused briefly before answering. “Yes. Yes, he is.” I mean, I was not really lying. He was out of town because of business.  Ok, so it was […]

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Another Untitled Poem

You’re in my heart, you’re in my dreams Not a moment is without you in my mind, it seems You make me laugh, you make me warm You make me smile through my emotional storms I’ve opened my heart, I’ve opened my soul Given you all I have, I hope you know You’ve turned my days from black to gold All of my secrets have begun to unfold But this part of my heart and voice […]

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