What happens if you say no?

In the last few weeks, I have had a few people approach me and ask me for help in some form or another.  Now, what is the Hot Mess’ immediate reaction when someone asks for help? “Sure!” And then it happens.  I’ve committed to something else.  What I fail to do before immediately responding is to assess how much I currently have on my plate, or what I have going on in my life and… Continue Reading

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AHHHH! It’s a compliment!! HIDE!!!

Does anyone else find it hard or uncomfortable when they receive a compliment?  Like, almost unreal or unbelievable that someone would think that of you?  I have found it increasingly hard to accept a compliment.  For many, many years I battled with low self-esteem and when I finally started to gain it back, I was surrounded by people who knocked me down.  When you are continually put down, it gradually wears on you and breaks… Continue Reading

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The “WTF Is Happening” Phase

Initial Chaos I can’t speak for everyone, but right before I was diagnosed with bipolar and the weeks and months after, there was A LOT of chaos. When I talk about chaos, I talk not just with me, but with my friends and family too. One minute, there I was, sitting in my office Bates stamping documents for a document production for one of the cases I was working on, the next, I was in… Continue Reading

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Yes, We can be “dramatic,” but that is just how our feelings work.

There are times when I absolutely want to scream at friends or family, or throw things around my room, but then (usually very shortly) after,  I feel absolutely, devastatingly horrible for even letting a thought like that cross my mind. And when I say  “absolutely, devastatingly horrible,” I’m not talking about the typical, standard, everyday remorse that is felt when you say, think, or do something in the heat of the moment and you immediately… Continue Reading

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Paralegal by Day…

“So what are your plans for the weekend?” asked my friendly paralegal office neighbor as she popped her head in my office on her way out for the weekend. “Going out of town to see my husband,” I replied. “Oh. Is he out of town for business?” I paused briefly before answering. “Yes. Yes, he is.” I mean, I was not really lying. He was out of town because of business.  Ok, so it was… Continue Reading

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Are your feelings like a scary movie????

Do certain emotions freak you out?  Like love for example.  Does the thought of being in love terrify you so much you find yourself retreating up the stairs and trapped in a closet while love comes after you ready to attack at any second?  (In every scary movie, everyone always runs up the stairs and traps themselves instead of running out the door.  Instinct I guess?  Pretty shitty instinct though. The villan is going to… Continue Reading

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Where Did I Lose Your Love? My Last Letter To You

Or maybe the better question is When? Dear Ex…wait,  you aren’t very dear, so how about To The Ex, I’ve been there for you in the good times and the bad.  I tried to be the best ME that I could be.  When I discovered people trying to hurt you, I told you, yet you always found a way to make me the bad one. I still sucked it up.  I let it happen time… Continue Reading

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Another year older, but wiser?

Here I am.  Another year older.  I woke up this morning and was actually relieved that I was not hungover (as I usually am after a night of birthday celebrations) but instead just looked like I was run over.  If smeared eyeliner and the rats nest of curls with mass quantities of hairspray were the only evidence of a night out, then for sure it was a success.  I’ve also been awake for almost 12… Continue Reading

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Where’s the lowest low on the bipolar coaster?

Wouldn’t all of us with bipolar like to know the answer to THAT!! The problem is, the joke’s on US! There IS NO ANSWER to that question! What do I mean there’s no answer? Well, we first have to start off with a few facts. Bipolar has varying severities  (i.e. BP I, BP II, etc.) The HIGHS experienced in bipolar are either: full blown mania in Bipolar I (the most extreme because it can cause… Continue Reading

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That same haunting question…

It has become a theme as I read through old journals and poems and pages of notes I’ve scribbled through the years. That same thing I believe many of us with any kind of illness constantly asks ourselves. What did I do wrong that caused me to get this? I have one journal entry where I write: I have always tried to be nothing but nice and do the right thing, and 20 years later… Continue Reading

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