Better from here

  I opened the door of the empty home The silence echos, another night alone Walk up the stairs, turn on the light Far too often, yet doesn’t feel right Turn on the TV, its the same routine The haze in my mind makes it all feel like a dream My phone begins to ring, your name staring at me Instantly I’m smiling and leaving behind the insanity My world gets brighter when I know… Continue Reading

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Another year older, but wiser?

Here I am.  Another year older.  I woke up this morning and was actually relieved that I was not hungover (as I usually am after a night of birthday celebrations) but instead just looked like I was run over.  If smeared eyeliner and the rats nest of curls with mass quantities of hairspray were the only evidence of a night out, then for sure it was a success.  I’ve also been awake for almost 12… Continue Reading

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Where’s the lowest low on the bipolar coaster?

Wouldn’t all of us with bipolar like to know the answer to THAT!! The problem is, the joke’s on US! There IS NO ANSWER to that question! What do I mean there’s no answer? Well, we first have to start off with a few facts. Bipolar has varying severities  (i.e. BP I, BP II, etc.) The HIGHS experienced in bipolar are either: full blown mania in Bipolar I (the most extreme because it can cause… Continue Reading

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That same haunting question…

It has become a theme as I read through old journals and poems and pages of notes I’ve scribbled through the years. That same thing I believe many of us with any kind of illness constantly asks ourselves. What did I do wrong that caused me to get this? I have one journal entry where I write: I have always tried to be nothing but nice and do the right thing, and 20 years later… Continue Reading

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How do you rise after the “Big Crash”?

You wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and staring back is remnants of 4 years of ups and downs, job loss, lost loves, lost friendships, not to mention the wear and tear of countless different medication combinations; fear as you look around your room, in your parents house.  That THIS is what you let yourself become after you swore to yourself after your first hospital visit in 2006, when you were diagnosed, that… Continue Reading

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When I’m Sorry Is No Longer Enough

Sometimes in relationships, the words “I’m Sorry” begin to lose their meaning. In some cases, can begin to mean nothing when we keep using them so flippantly as a quick band-aid, but then don’t follow through and change those actions or behaviors. In many situations, you can be saying I’m sorry, all while knowing that those words don’t mean anything to the other person anymore.  It’s just an “auto fill” statement that comes out when… Continue Reading

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Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

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So, What Do You Do For A Living?

Whenever I am invited to attend an event, or even just go out in public, there is a certain rush of anxiety that washes over me that remains there all the way not just until the day of the event or outing but lasting all through it as well.  What could possibly be so daunting for me? I mean, I used to be a social butterfly and out and about more days and nights of… Continue Reading

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Barbie can have a brain too!

There was a very big stereotype that Barbie, you know, the perfectly figured blonde haired beauty was just that, outter beauty. She wasn’t known for being smart or intellectual. Every girl not only wanted a Barbie doll, but they wanted to be Barbie. Why? Well, who wouldn’t? Barbie had this incredible “dream home” a silver corvette, a gorgeous boyfriend named Ken, not to mention all the fabulous clothes and accessories. Her plastic world looked so… Continue Reading

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Another birthday creeping up…

Another year farther away from what my life used to be.  That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.  This year, I want to make this a birthday to remember, but I want to remember it the way my new life is; not how life used to be. What did life used to be? (I’m going to use different names to protect the privacy of those… Continue Reading

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