All, Bipolar Hot Mess Daily Life, Random Musings, Relationships (Love)

Every Night I Am Afraid….

Yes. I am afraid. Its bedtime and this is the time I always become afraid. I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget …

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Bipolar Disorder, Relationships (Love)

Paralegal by Day…

“So what are your plans for the weekend?” asked my friendly paralegal office neighbor as she popped her head in my office on her way out for the weekend. “Going out of town to see my husband,” I replied. “Oh. Is he out of town for business?” I paused briefly before answering. “Yes. Yes, he is.” I mean, I was …

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Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Hot Mess Diary, Pre Diagnosis, Random Musings, Relationships (Love)

Feelings or Numb

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.) Why do you love someone?? Love is such a weird emotion. I hate loving people. Actually, I hate having emotions. I hate feelings. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset. I hate being annoyed. I hate loving someone. I hate it because I …

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All, Bipolar Disorder, Healthy Changes, Healthy Life & Relationships, Relationship (friendships), Relationships (Love), Self Esteem

Is the Hot Mess REALLY a Mess?

“I’m a mess!” When I first began talking to CJ, I warned him. I told him that I was a mess, a walking disaster, and if it wasn’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all. He didn’t believe me. I picked him up from the airport for the first time. Between baggage claim at O’Hare and my …

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All, Bipolar Disorder, Featured, Healthy Life & Relationships, Relationships (Love)

This site is more than just my own rants

This website is far more than just a platform for me to bitch, whine, complain, and publicly rant and rave about my life, my illnesses, injustices, and my own personal causes. Sure, this site did start off as me just posting my random thoughts on completely random things, like public transportation, office dramas, Hollywood catastrophes and celebrity mishaps, and just …

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All, Bipolar Disorder, Emotional Change, Random Musings, Relationship (friendships), Relationships (Love)

The Giving Tree

You think everything is going ok.  Laughing, smiling, learning each other’s schedules, finding out when they need a hug and when they need their space, and talking…communicating….about everything (or you thought everything).  Finally, for the first time in over a year, you feel stronger.  The past no longer makes your stomach turn and tears form in your eyes.  You don’t …

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All, Bipolar Hot Mess Poetry, Relationships (Love)

Without You

A day without you is like sitting in the rain Drenched and heavy, feeling so cold each drop causing pain A day without you makes me so empty inside So hollow, so worthless,  its like a part of me has died When we are together, I feel like I’m whole and complete All the happiness that was missing came back …

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All, Bipolar Disorder, Healthy Life & Relationships, Physical Health, Relationship (friendships), Relationships (Love)


One of the key components to recovery is acceptance. Coming to terms with what it is. Bipolar disorder. I’ve accepted that I have it. I have accepted that I will have it the rest of my life. I’ve accepted the symptoms. The highs, the lows, the meds, the docs, hospitals, cognitive and behavioral therapies; I’ve accepted it all. For the …

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All, Emotional Change, Featured, Healthy Changes, Healthy Life & Relationships, Physical Health, Relationship (friendships), Relationships (Love), Self Esteem

Bringing in the New Year Hot Mess style!

Every year at this time, December 31, we have the tradition of making New Years Resolutions.  You know, things we want to do in this new year to better ourselves, like working out more.  So for the first few weeks of January, the gyms are all packed to the max, then as February rolls in, the crowd starts dwindling, and …

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All, Bipolar Disorder, Featured, Random Musings, Relationship (friendships), Relationships (Love)

Disguise and lies????

Honestly.  Do I really think that changing my hair color is going to help me begin a new transformation? Probably not.  It’s more like I am putting on a disguise and lying to myself and everyone else that this Christi with a fresh new hair do is really as changed and transformed on the inside as she is on the …

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