Have you ever sat and thought about all the things that you would be amazed at if they ever happened, but you know that in reality they never will. Like, your boyfriend/girlfriend uttering the following words “You were right”. Everyone has a list, and mine is definitely more expansive than what I just mentioned. I always picture that one day those crushes from back in the day, or exes, would somehow find me and declare that they made a huge mistake letting me go, or not taking a chance with me, etc. And then I would have the satisfaction of turning THEM down by saying something along the lines of “Well, too late now you fool. I’m happy, I’m with someone who makes me happy, and I’m sorry you are miserable now,” Or something to that effect. I like to picture that the hurt they caused me has somehow found them and the saying “What goes around, comes around” has come into play. Ok. I lied. I don’t wish that upon ALLLLL of my exes or past crushes, just some. Some I have still remained friends with and am happy that they have found happiness. Sometimes two people have to accept that we just weren’t meant to be. Hell, if I was still with any of those guys I never would have gotten to where I am today and been with who I am today.
So, to get on with my story….. just before I met one of my ex’s, I had been friends with this guy. We were kind of seeing each other for a few months, but nothing serious. At the time that I had met him, the past year had been filled with nothing but failed relationships and heartbreak. So, going into this with a damaged history, I began seeing the guy. I began to really like him, opened my heart to him (yes, I always opened it up to fast and too soon), and then, WHAM!!!! The “I don’t really want a serious relationship right now, lets just be friends” line which in guy language really means, I really don’t want to see or talk to you anymore but I’m going to say lets be friends because I don’t want to be too much of an asshole. It broke my heart. Shocking that I still had some heart left to break since I went into it totally damaged, but I did and I felt miserable. I went into a huge depression, didn’t go anywhere but work, didn’t do anything, and swore off guys forever. I really felt that I just couldn’t handle another heartbreak ever again. I began to hate myself more than I already did (again, didn’t think THAT was possible either. My self esteem was below zero and my eating disorder was all over the chart because of it) and kept thinking I was a total loser, had nothing to offer and just sat and wallowed.
After a few weeks of that, my mom had finally had enough and yelled at me saying, “You can’t honestly think that you are going to find a relationship when you keep going after the same type of guys. you have to find a different type of guy” And that is when she told me (not suggested, no, she ORDERED) I should do E-harmony. WTF??!!! MY MOM TELLING ME TO DO INTERNET DATING?!! My mom is soooo old fashioned, I was surprised she even knew that existed. Then, let’s top it off with giving me DATING ADVICE? All through high school and college, the only advice I had ever gotten from her was to tell me that I was either too young to have a boyfriend, or a shrug and a “he’s alright,” when she would meet them. So her suggestion to use E-harmony was totally out of left field! And, in my eyes, at the time, E-harmony was WAY too conservative and seemed more for older people, so I tried Match.com. I went on some miserable dates, met some even more miserable people, but one day, I exchanged a few emails with a man who seemed pretty interesting. I met him for drinks, and 5 years later going strong.
So, why tell you about that last guy to break my heart? Well, shortly after he ended things with me, he ended up meeting a girl who he is still dating today. So, I felt a bit bad because even though I should have known that what he was really telling me was “I don’t want a relationship with YOU”, I still had wanted to cling on to the small hope that maybe he really just didn’t want a relationship. Well, every now and then we have a MySpace or Facebook or Instant Messenger communication just saying hey, or hows it going, etc., but a few days ago was the most shocking of them all!!!!
We exchanged the usual hey, how’s the girlfriend, hows the boyfriend, hows life, etc banter and then, out of the blue, he wrote to me “I actually have been meaning to write you. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and wanted to say that I am sorry if I hurt you back then. I had no business attempting a relationship with all that was going on with me and I’m really sorry if I did hurt you.”
I just sat there and just stared at the screen for a couple of minutes with my jaw on the floor (the desk was too high for a revelation like this). I couldn’t believe what I was actually reading. I rubbed my eyes, checked I had my contacts in, refreshed the screen, pinched myself a few times too. Is it possible for another human to look back, reflect, and recognize when their actions may have impacted someone else? Not just their actions, but their NEGATIVE actions that my have not just impacted, but HURT somebody else? Apparently it is! (Yea, so that boy set the bar for all the others! I know they have the ability to admit when they are wrong, its just a matter of DO THEY WANT TO admit they are wrong or they hurt you. THAT answer is easy. NO.)
So many people are so self absorbed that they really don’t take the time to think about how things may affect those around them or how things DID affect those that were around them. Hearing those words from that man had taken me aback because it is so very rare for someone to do something like that. That gesture was so honest and sincere. And while I was so hurt back then, that hurt led me to my current man and a love that I could have never imagined.
So, for now, that’s one person I can cross off my loser list, and just goes to show that sometimes, they do come around and do realize what they have done. There ARE still some good people out there.
POSTSCRIPT: I originally wrote that post in September of 2009. Since then, that individual has gotten married to that same girl he met after me, they are happily married and just had a baby. And I am genuinely happy for them. I got married and and divorced and had to move back to my hometown to my parents house. In the months that I have been back at home, I actually HAVE had a few exes come back into my life and tell me that THEY TOO were sorry for how they treated me back then and had a few that wanted me to give them another shot. I have been given my opportunity to turn THEM down and as much as I thought it would bring me a whole lot of satisfaction, it really didn’t. While it was nice and felt great knowing that they realized their mistakes and how hurt I had been, and took the time to apologize, I still felt bad turning them down. I don’t like to hurt anyone, regardless of how much they have hurt me. I may lash out some threats when it first happens and I’m alone in my room, or make a comment or two and then delete them right away because I know that I’m just upset for the moment and that feeling will pass.
I feel more comfortable leaving Karma to that!!! 🙂