FROM THE ARCHIVES: Cripes. Its here……..Totally Snuck Up On Me

What’s here?  The depressive cycle.  I tried.  I really did.  I tried to fight this like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby (no, not the last fight she was in!!! All the ones before, you know, the ones that got her TO that last fight).  But, as nature likes to remind me, IT calls the shots.

Stupid nature.

I mean, I’ve done it all right.  I’ve taken my meds like I’m supposed to, saw my doc like I’m supposed to, yet here it is.  I felt it creeping and slithering in a few days ago and I tried to bypass it by staying more active at work, reading more books, and spending time with our new roommates, but that plan sure backfired.  All I want to do is cry and sleep, sleep and cry.  I don’t want to leave my bed.  Getting up for work is not only stressful because #1 I don’t want to do any of the work and #2  getting dressed to go anywhere is so stressful, I really just want to rip out all my hair and scream.  See, H decided that it was time to clean the closet by taking every single thing out of it and putting it in another room, on another floor.  The only time something can go back in our closet is if it has been worn and washed.  Well, I need to see my clothes to pick something out.  I can’t remember whats upstairs or downstairs, and just the thought of getting dressed makes me want to explode and yell and scream.  My phone.  I don’t even want to answer the phone.  I don’t want to physically talk to anyone and I don’t have the energy or drive to text anyone.  I’m sick of eating.  Every food tastes sooooo boring to me because I have been eating it all my life.  I always feel so exhausted that every movement feels like it has taken all the energy I have.

This is what my depressive cycle starts out like.  I’m then going to get the person who tells me “oh cheer up, it will be ok.” and I literally want to backhand them to the moon because IT DOESN”T WORK LIKE THAT!  God how I wish it did, because if it did, I wouldn’t be stuck in this cycle.  When will this cycle end??? I have no idea.   But when I fall into this depressive cycle, I usually just want to feel loved.  However, when I fall into a cycle, no one knows how to handle it and leaves me to fend for myself.  Sometimes I will have another bipolar friend there for me because they understand and can relate, but sometimes, they are going through the exact same thing themselves and need their own support team.

The good thing that comes from a depressive cycle is my poetry and artwork.  I am much more artistic when I am depressed.  I can feel the emotion and it takes me to a place that I can’t always find when I’m not in a cycle.  But, the cycles come and the cycles go.  And each time, I never know how long they will last.  I do my best to not sink too far in, but sometimes, it just happens.  So, hopefully I can kick the shit out of this one and send it on its way.  I don’t have time for a cycle.  I have got plenty more things to attend to… a Bipolar Hot Mess page for one…………….

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