Dear Friends, I suck.

Dear Friends,

Yes.  I admit that I have become a shithead lately.  I have crawled into a cave and found myself a nice cozy blanket in there.  No, it’s not warm in there.  No, it’s not fun.  No, I don’t want to be there, but it has become my self preservation and coping mechanism.  If I just stay in the hole, this too shall pass right?  Well, it’s kinda lonely in there, and I’m letting a lot of people down while being in there too.  On the other hand, there have been many people who have disappointed me or have made me feel so incredibly bad that I feel like I need to be in this hole.  One by one, those I care about are dropping like flies and it seems as though the old adage “follow your heart” is really a load of bullshit.  I followed my heart and got disassociated and abandoned.

This doesn’t sound so much like an apology does it?

Well, it is.  Because, while I have been in my cave, curled up, trying to stop the tears and catch a breath; trying to get myself out of bed (even though I can’t sleep), trying just to make it through the day without feeling like I’m taking on the whole world alone; there have been many people who have been let down in the process.  I have made my friend feel like her special day is not important to me, I have not been able to maintain my responsibilities to everyone at Ask A Bipolar, kind of even let this website fall apart a bit, and to all my other friends, I have just shut myself down.  Emails are piling up going unanswered, even when you try to chat with me via a chat window or by phone call, I have been avoiding those too.

Avoidance is not the answer.

 It is not only making me fall deeper in the hole, but it is giving everyone the wrong impression.  Whether the impression is that I don’t care or that I’m avoiding them in particular for some other reason and may be upset with you for something, IT IS NOT TRUE for starters, but its not fair that I should make anyone feel that way because I, myself, am dealing with things poorly.  No one else should have to suffer the consequences of my own inabilities to get my shit together.  And for that, I am incredibly sorry.

girl in cave

Why else does this bother me?  

Because I feel like a fraud.  Here I am, an admin on Ask A Bipolar, and running my own blog and website giving people advice every day on staying positive, not holing up, tips to get through the rough patches, and then, I go and do the exact opposite.  The practice what you preach method has gone out the window for me and I have become, what I view, as a hypocrite.  (or at least it feels that way)

Who will take me seriously now when I give advice when I can’t even take it myself?  Better question, WHY can’t I take it myself?

 I don’t know the answer to that.  Maybe I’m just tired and overwhelmed because there has been so much thrown on my shoulders these last few years.  Maybe I’ve hit my absolute breaking point. I don’t really know right now, but I do know that I’m exhausted.  I’m exhausted because those that are closest to me and should be supporting me, and those that should be helping ME are the ones that I am having to take care of and help.  I do everything I can to help them and keep them happy, but when I am knocked down, they  aren’t there to help take care of me and bring me back up.  Instead its like they punch me in the stomach and knock me farther down because I’m not taking care of them anymore.

What about me?

I am probably one of the least selfish people I know.  Many, many people can attest to that, so it feels weird being selfish and asking “What About Me?  When do You help take care of ME?”  I’m not talking about money or anything like that, so I’m not saying that I am looking for people to financially support me.  I am talking about just emotional and physical support.  Hugs, listening to me when I talk, understanding that because of this crappy illness my moods go up and down so fast and sometimes without warning and I CANT always help them are things I could use and are helpful. And yes, I know there are some that disagree and think that I am incredibly selfish for this behavior. Which, is not true, but that is something you learn to understand when you learn more about bipolar disorder. Not everyone has it to the same extent, not everyone is the same.  But, trust me, if I could control and snap out of this dumpy funk and haul ass out of this cave, I would in an instant!

I do the things I do because I care about people, I want to be there for people

looking out of my cave

I don’t do the things I do though for praise or accolades.  I don’t do them because it makes me feel important. I do the things I do because I care about people, I want to be there for people who have been in positions like mine and had no one really understand what they were going through and so support was completely lacking. I do this because I want to spread awareness and want to do what I can to combat stigma because I have experience stigma and its not pleasant.  I want those that have experienced stigma, will not have to experience that again.  I do this because I genuinely care about others and I really do not expect anything in return, except that my advice or guidance, or story of experience, has helped them a little bit more in their own struggle and battle.  But I do need the same things as everyone else once in a while and do need my own support, my own shoulder to cry on once in a while, and love.

Sometimes I need to practice self care.

I do what I can to keep out of this dumb cave, but sometimes it happens and sometimes I need someone there for me and not people who are demanding things for them.  Sometimes, I need to make the world about me and my own self and my own feelings and getting myself regulated.  Sometimes, it just can’t be about everyone else.  Sometimes, I need to take care of myself and want you to take care of yourself until I can pull myself up and help take care of you.    Sometimes I need others to initiate things with me.  I can’t always be the one to initiate.  Sometimes I need love, and need to be shown love and shown that you care.  Give me a reason to keep believing that everything I give is appreciated and you feel the same.

I promise to not shirk my duties and responsibilities

Not only do I apologize (in this weird probably nonsensical way) for being a shithead to all of those I have responsibilities to, I also am making a promise (and you can hold me to it because its being published in cyberspace somewhere on this blog, so it is documented) I promise to not shirk my duties and responsibilities to anyone anymore just because I decided that the best way to deal is to find my cave and NOT deal.  Not dealing does nothing but make things worse, so in all honesty, I should just take my own darn advice!!!! Staying in my hole only makes me feel lonelier and feeds into hurting everyone else.  So, I’m coming out.  I am still hurt and disappointed in those that aren’t there like they should, but I can’t let that hold me down and let that affect all others who are innocent bystanders and don’t need to affected by my crap.

…just because I am in a funk, that does not give me reason or an excuse to treat everyone else like crap too.

So, in these last few weeks, where my life has been lacking, where my responsibilities have dropped off, where I have made people feel unimportant or anything less than what they are or what I feel they are, and where I have abandoned the world, I am sorry.  I really can be a shithead sometimes and just because I am in a funk, that does not give me reason or an excuse to treat everyone else like crap too.  I truly am sorry and want everyone to know that while I still want to sit in my hole and not come out, I am forcing myself not to. Just as I would advise anyone else.  While I am already feeling lonely, secluding myself just furthers the loneliness.

If anyone finds me wandering toward my cave, I hope that you call me out on it!

Again, my dear friends, I suck.

I’m sorry.

<3

A Shithead Bipolar Hot Mess


*first written 11/10/11
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Christi


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