Disguise and lies????

Honestly.  Do I really think that changing my hair color is going to help me begin a new transformation? Probably not.  It’s more like I am putting on a disguise and lying to myself and everyone else that this Christi with a fresh new hair do is really as changed and transformed on the inside as she is on the outside.   Because the reality of it is this:

I am always going to be that girl that lets the hurtful things that are said to her by people she cares about get to her, hurt her, tear her apart, and shatter her to pieces.  I am always going to be the girl that cares WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH about everyone and gives WAY TO FUCKING MUCH of her heart, her soul, her life, and her existence to the ones she loves, even when they go out of their way to be as mean as possible to her for no other reason than needing someone to take out their own insecurities and issues and problems and anger out on.  I become a human punching bag.  And I take it.  Why do I take it?  Why can’t I stop???? Because I always hold on to that slight glimmer of hope that maybe this is the text, or email, or phone call that isn’t the anger infused, insult throwing one and instead is the apology or just a simple, nice, hi how are you one.

I hold on because I like to give the benefit of the doubt.  I did it for many years. .  Everyday, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Stood by his side through thick and thin.  Even when he pissed off so many people and had almost the whole world against him.  Even when he smashed my heart with everyone else’s, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Because I believe that people can change.

I believe that everyone can change.  Many people gave me a chance after my hospitalization.  They opened their minds and hearts to give me the benefit of the doubt that I really had changed.  And I had.  And for that, I am forever grateful.  Many did not though and because of that, I realized that it is very unfair to not give someone a chance to prove they have changed or a chance to show that they realize they were wrong and want a second chance.  We all make mistakes.

I will forever give people a second chance, but I have also come to the realization, that most people don’t deserve a second chance, or a third, or a fourth….  And just because I give you the benefit of the doubt because I care about you, does not give you the right to continue to tear me to shreds, make me feel like I’m a piece of shit, or humiliate me publicly because you think that I will give you unlimited chances.

I do draw the line somewhere.  And when I respond with a long, heartfelt  explanation of how much you have hurt me and how I hope you have begun to work through your issues because I care, and the only response I get is “ok,”  I realize that all the chances I gave, and all the pain and hurt I tolerated was for nothing.

So I realized that it doesn’t matter what color my hair is, what clothes I wear, or what I look like on the outside.  I am going to be the same person on the inside.  I am going to be the same person who gives people chance after chance and the continued benefit of the doubt because I care about them, regardless of how many times they hurt me because I feel like I need to make up for all those people who wouldn’t forgive me or give me a chance or the benefit of the doubt.   I could be ripped to shreds, but I will still forgive because I wish others would have forgiven me.

I need to stop this.  I can’t keep letting those I care about rip me apart just because I want to fix what others did to me.  Because if those I care about really, truly cared about me, they wouldn’t be ripping me apart or smashing my heart to pieces.  They wouldnt be publicly humiliating me and making me feel like I’m worse than pond scum or that I’m a complete waste because of my current situation.  Those that truly care are supportive.  I shouldn’t have to keep giving the benefit of the doubt.

But, for now, I guess I will just be putting on my disguise and hoping that the disguise will eventually turn into a real transformation because my heart, soul, and spirit can’t be ripped apart into pieces any smaller than they already are.  I almost think its going to be impossible to ever put these pieces back together….

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