another unpublished post I dug up from the archives (this cleaning stuff has really benefited in more ways than one):
Yes folks. I have gone from coming up with endless amounts of witty comments and diatribes, to thinking nothing but shitty things. What could cause such a drastic turn in one’s brain you ask?! Well, the other part of being bipolar is a depressive state. I’m not just a roller coaster of manic and then flat-lined at normal. Or, it could just very well be that I have a lot of very bad and very sad life events taking place right now and so I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted.
So what is so troubling these days?
a) First off, when people say the phrase “I can’t even imagine what it must be like. I must be so hard!” YES!! YES IT IS FREAKING HARD! You don’t need to remind me its hard people. I live it every day of my life! I breathe it. I sit at home all alone faced with it. Everywhere I turn, there is a reminder of it. Even in my sleep, I have flashbacks of it all. Yes. It is hard. Instead of telling me its hard, either keep the comment to yourself all together, or try asking what you can do to help. Maybe I need a friend right now. Which brings me to point b….
b) Don’t offer “What can I do to help” or say “Lets get together” or “We’ll have to hang out or chat sometime” if you don’t really mean it. Because when I tell people that, I really mean it. I follow up on it. Everyone goes through shitty stuff, and the only way we survive people is if we stick together or look to others for support. We can’t make it through this world alone….even though at times we feel like we are all alone.
c) I am done, absolutely done handing out advice, being there for people, being the “messenger,” being the all around go to person for everything. I’m tired of being the one to plan all the events, i’m tired of being the one inviting everyone to do everything. I’m tired of the only social activity I engage in being Facebook or blogging. When was the last time anyone called me or tried to hang out with me and asked me how IIIII was doing, or cared about me??!! I’ve been expending all of my energy making sure that everyone else is ok and that everyone elses lives are moving along and progressing and that they are feeling fine etc., and is my phone ringing with people doing the same? Hmm…. not so much.
Everyone else’s lives have gone on since February 1….hell since January 2007. Yet, since February, while everyone else’s lives have moved on, mine hasn’t. I’ve had a huge hole in my life that nothing can fill. I’ve had to double and triple up on responsibilities and work loads, and now, I am faced with living by myself in the very same house that I was betrayed by a friend, where my life was changed forever and he goes on living everyday with not a care in the world. Not only is there a huge hole from my other half being gone, there is an even bigger hole because my life’s work and career and everything I invested myself in, has gone down the drain and I was confirmed of that last week. So, tomorrow is D-Day. I find out if I will continue to be employed. I’m so nervous and scared it physically hurts. If I end up unemployed, my chances of becoming employed at anything are slim to none. I would like to thank my dear old roommate.
I would like to thank him because he came up with some sort of good revenge on this one. I just wish I knew what I ever did to deserve something like this. Further, I don’t understand how others think that what he did was right and that given the chance, he wouldn’t do the same to anyone. But, to each their own.
I want my life back. My life now is sad, lonely, and not filled with any promise right now. And in this moment of despair, where do I turn? Not a friend, not a family member, but I turn to a blank screen that just lets me type. Why? because its somewhat symbolic of what I feel I get in return sometimes.
I don’t have anything witty to say. In fact, what I really want to do is cry my freaking eyes out until I can’t cry anymore and scream my head off until I can’t scream anymore, and kick until my legs want to fall off, and punch until my hands bleed. Because I’ve kept it all inside for way too long. And tomorrow really marks the end of my life as I knew it. The one thing I had left, will be destroyed.