(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.)
Why do you love someone? Love is such a weird emotion to me. I hate the fact that my mind and body have the ability to love people. Actually, on second thought, I hate having a lot of other emotions and feelings. I mean, love isn’t the only emotion. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset and let’s not forget being annoyed.
I hate loving someone. Why? Because I always love that person too much. I always love the person about a hundred times more than they love me, or I care about a person a thousand times more than they care about me, so I always end up getting hurt.
Maybe I have these negative feelings regarding emotions because I expect too much. Maybe I shouldn’t expect people to treat me nicely. My philosophy is always treat others as you would want to be treated, which is a philosophy I was raised on, but, seems to be fading fast. A lot of people are very selfish and only care about benefiting themselves. Maybe my problem really is that I care too much about people. I do so much for them and give them everything that I have (physically and emotionally) and I shouldn’t. In doing this, I expect that the natural result is reciprocity. Yet, is there one person out there that would give me every thing that THEY had physically and emotionally??? Nope.
Another way to express emotions, good or bad, can be crying., When I want to cry, and be consoled, it seems the room is a bit empty and the line is a bit short; oh who are we kidding, it’s almost nonexistent. There are plenty of people who are happy to tell me all my mistakes and expect me to be their exclusive ear to listen and shoulder to lean on. If I turn the tables, and when I want to talk about something, who is there? Apparently, I have been told that I am a motor mouth and talk way too much. I guess I get annoying, so that would that no one would be there on the other side of that table if I turned it.
When I am happy about something, who is there, or available, to be happy and celebrate with me? Well, as long as there is a party planned with drinks, or a night on the town at the hottest club involved, then almost anyone! But, about 90% of those people will take what you are happy about and try to one up you. If there is no alcohol involved at all, then 99.9% of those people will be a no show.
Think I’m joking about those “one uppers” well, here’s a bit of an example. I am having a bit of trouble with my job hunting in effort to get more diverse experience in the field and perhaps a bit of a salary increase would be nice as well. “Friend/one upper” in the same field approaches,
“Oh yea! Ha! I was just sitting there, someone called me up and offered me a new job making a lot more and stuff”
My head was about to explode and my mouth was getting all prepared to bellow “ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! Thanks for rubbing that in my face, can I now punch you in your sloppy drunk face?” which were my first thoughts. But, I smile politely, say something along the lines of “oh that’s awesome” and walk away before I say or do something I will not be so proud of in the morning.
Trust/Uncalled for Anger
I love Mr. Snoop with all my heart, however, these days, I feel like he is so distant and crabby. He mentioned that he thinks something “shady” is going on with our roommate (one of his best friends) and me. Well, there is NOTHING going on with us in the way HE thinks, but the two of us ARE planning a double surprise birthday party for him and their other best friend. As the party date gets closer, it’s harder to hide the surprise from Mr. Snoop (who insists that no one will ever surprise him with a surprise party) especially since two of the three party planners (us) live under the same roof as Mr. Snoop. So, these accusations that me and the roommate are having a “fling” are not only annoying, but because he is treating me as if HE IS CORRECT and that HE KNOWS that I’m cheating on him, the manner in which he does it feels so cold, so cruel and hurts so much, especially since what I’m really doing is something that is so nice!
Let’s not also gloss over, and I don’t know why, but it seems everything that I do, is somehow wrong too and results in anger toward me. I am trying so incredibly hard to make everything ok for him and make him happy, but it is not enough. It’s never enough. He gets so mad at me for no real reason, it makes me feel like all I am is a burden these days and make his life miserable. I have been very happy and tried to do all the things he has mentioned he wished I would do, and even then, he is still not happy.
I don’t think that I will ever meet anyone’s standards or good enough for anyone. For a while, I was starting to believe that I WAS good enough. But lately, it seems that I am just not.
I wish that there was something I could do that would numb the pain, something that would make all my feelings go away and take away my tear ducts. I don’t want to feel sadness or hurt, or guilt, or betrayal, or ANYTHING. I don’t even want to feel happiness because if I feel happiness, that means that I have feelings. I want to become an insensitive bitch, which seems to be the only way to get around in this world. It sucks, but apparently, that is how it works in this game called Life.
As I sit upstairs alone, I think about how I could wake up tomorrow and walk around with a “FUCK YOU” attitude. I get myself all psyched up thinking how I am going to be a bitch and not give a shit and that will make my life better. The morning comes and as soon as I open my eyes and see Mr. Snoop next to me, curled up with my little puppy, I melt. I think, why can’t every single moment in this lifetime feel this way? Why can’t everyone just be peaceful and warm toward each other. Why can’t everyone do that? Is it so hard? Is it so hard to just be nice or to return favors, or to compliment someone, or to just listen to them, or be happy for them? Is it so hard to put the self absorbency aside for a few minutes and be happy for someone else, or be a compliment to someone else, instead of always being the star?
I will never be a star. I will always be that compliment. And maybe one day that will be a good thing, maybe it won’t. All I know is that I try to treat others as I would want to be treated. I try not to say mean things that I will regret. I try to give everyone else every single ounce of me if I can. I don’t expect anything in return, not even a thank you.
I will close with this…. when you love someone… it hurts. It hurts so much. You cry when they cry, you laugh when they laugh, you yell when they yell. you become one with them.
I wish I didn’t love. I really do.