They say that pets have this innate sense of knowing how we are feeling. I truly believe this because my little maltese Prince always runs for cover when he sees me crying. (Typical male behavior from what I have gathered lol). Whenever there would be an argument in the house, and even though the golden retriever is his dog, both dogs camp out right next to me during the tiff (or battle…potayto, potahtoe) and stay planted there long after the calm has settled.
When I am home alone, any noise Prince hears that is inside the house or near the front door, sparks his “stand at attention pose” and his “ferocious attack dog” bark. (I use quotes because how ferocious can the bark of a 4.5lb metrosexual male maltese be? Better yet, how intimidated would you be by said Maltese barking his little head off wearing a little baby blue T-Shirt that says “Mr. Messy” on it???) But, he apparently feels the need to protect his owner when she feels scared. The Golden Retriever knows better. She snores until the sound is so close to us, its almost on top of her before she even raises an ear. But, nevertheless, she still can sense fear and will lay next to my side of the bed. Even when the other half is home, she will sleep at the foot of the bed or elsewhere in the bedroom, but not on his side. Maybe she feels he can protect himself?
BUT, what about other animals? Like aquatic animals? Like stingrays and fish and eels??? Do they have those same instincts for humans that dogs do? Why do I ask? Well….. here’s how it went.
Recently, another couple moved into the house as our roommates. There has been a bit, OK, A LOT, of adjustment going on and a lot of things going on in the men’s lives that are making them act like they are both PMS-ing on the same cycle. There had been a lot of tension going on and at first, I was able to deal well with it. I was able to joke around and not take it so seriously or so personally as the other half taking it out or being angry at me…….until our vacation……. where, as the saying goes… SHIT HIT THE FAN! From that point on, the other half has been on a rampage and it has taken a domino effect in our house.
Being bipolar is NOT easy to begin with. Now, throw in two new people additions to the house and new dynamic to the system you had already somewhat perfected (the best you can) for optimal stability, now lets add a domino effect of negativity with 99% directed toward me and every single thing about me that is unsatisfactory (because things are not going well for them and they are mad) and even though others are complimenting me on my accomplishments with Ask A Bipolar and at my paralegal job, the things that affect me and my mood the most are all the statements about all my imperfections in effort to boost one’s own ego.
So, now realizing that nothing I can do is the right thing, nothing I can say will be the right thing, and just existing in the same airspace is going to cause some sort of negative barrage of insults or comments, I have become a walking tear dispenser. I have so much anxiety and have my muscles clenched so tight, I don’t even need to go to the gym! This will have me sore and knotted up for weeks, not to mention completely dehydrated because the tears won’t stop.
Yes. When you are up you are up, when you are down, you are down, and getting back up or getting back down are never quite as easy as just going to sleep at night and waking up to a fresh new day when you have bipolar. Those highs and lows can last for minutes, hours, days, or weeks. You just never know.
But, I tried. The first doctor, the family therapist…….lord of christ!!!! I walked out of there and that was my breaking point. I crumbled faster and harder than I did in 2006 when I landed in the hospital!!! I called my shrink. He instructed me to take Klonopin and if that didn’t help, head to the hospital. GREAT, I though. That’s the LAST thing I need right now. The first two times I was in the hospital in 2006, I was accused of doing it for attention (cause being in the psych ward for 2 weeks with people spying on you every 15 minutes, no shoelaces, no pens, no caffeine, drugged up to a state of fog and incomprehension…… is really the most awesome way to get attention right?! Why didn’t I think of that when I was 10 and wanted attention from my parents!) Every day I feel worse and worse and then it comes time for my appointment yesterday with my shrink. Another appointment that left me feeling like I should crawl into a hole, wait there for a while and either die, or , wait til someone drags me out and hugs me to death and tells me that this is going to be ok.
I settled for the next best thing. Instead of sleeping at my feet all week (as Prince usually does), he slept right next to my head. It was as if he could sense that I needed some warmth and closeness to me. Even so, I still felt like I just wanted to die. All week. I figured if I just died, there would be no more worry or anything to be pissed about, their life could be fixed and then move on to being happy. Prince still kept sleeping right by my head and Katie slept right at the side of my bed.
AND THEN…….. I’m woken up suddenly because the other half is late for work and needs me to do a favor. In a few hours, I need to go out to the garage and get the eel. (Half awake I’m wondering WTF? I am not touching that gross thing!!!) He then explains, that last night, the eel jumped out of the tank and is now wedged between something. With rigor that set in, we can’t get him until until a few more hours when he softens up. I grunt ok and fall back to sleep…..for about 15 seconds……
THE EEL COMMITTED SUICIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAAAATTTT!!!!! OMG! omg. omg. omg. Did IIIIIIIII cause this??!!! Were my negative feelings impacting the eel???? Did I just cause an eel suicide?!!! And IF SO….. do you know what this means??!!!! It means that someone is going to be EVEN MORE PISSED OFF AT ME!!!!!!
So, this is why I ask the question……. do fish and eels feel the same???? Prince and the Golden Retriever sure felt my feelings……did the eel feel my feelings and jump ship because of me???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!