For a good majority of my life, I walked around feeling completely and utterly inferior. Somewhere along the line, I decided that I had to be perfect in order for my mom to love me. SOMETHING I HAD CREATED MYSELF IN MY OWN MIND and I carried that weight around with me for years and years. While carrying that around, and trying to be perfect academically, I was trying to fit in socially. The first real boyfriend I had cheated on me, so that just took my already low self eteem and shuttled it into the mud. Then it seemed that everyone I developed a crush on barely knew I was alive because they all were enamoured by one of my friends. My self-esteem (whatever was left of it) completely disappeared. This is actually the time that my bipolar symptoms started to manifest, but I wouldn’t know they were symptoms of bipolar until many years later.
So, I went through high school absolutely miserable. I couldn’t make the grades, heck, I had a bout of mono and because of that, I couldn’t keep up with my work in my honors English class and so I was kicked out of that. I was mortified because I had always been in honors classes and even the doctors note didn’t help. I worked hard at cheerleading all through high school and was hoping that senior year I would be captain, like I was freshman year. Senior year, a former friend of mine decided she wanted to do both cross country AND cheerleading. The cheerleading coach held voting when only half the squad was there and the present half were all HER friends. She became captain (even though it was only her first year, first season even of cheerleading) and missed most of our practices because of cross country practice and meets, came late to most games, and while all this was going on, the coach was asking me to step in and do the job. I did it for awhile because I didn’t want us as a squad to look terrible performing, but it bothered me that I was doing all the work and this other girl was getting the credit for it. After football season was almost done, I hit my breaking point when it was an extremely important game and performance, the Captain wasn’t there, and the Coach asked me to lead practice. I was so angry, I took the poms that were in my hands, threw them at the wall, yelled “I’m DONE! I QUIT!” and walked out of that gym. (a few other girls followed my lead and it left the squad so small that performances were tough).
This theme seemed to follow me the rest of my life. Friends would betray me, boyfriends betray me, I never felt my grades or any of my decisions were the right ones or even good enough. I developed anorexia and bulimia in my quest to look perfect and be perfect. Obviously that was a huge mistake. Lets develop a disorder to be perfect. If my brain was working properly it probably could have told me that if you are perfect you don’t have disorders. Thats how ridiculous my thoughts were. For a while though, I had gone through therapy and had gotten to a point where I was happy with myself. Content. I thought I was beautiful and when people told me, I believed them. I believed I was smart and I actually had confidence. The confidence didn’t last long though. You see, confidence and self-esteem, for me, can be smashed to pieces much faster I think because I’m predisposed to it. Its easy for me to go back there. There can be just one phrase or one event that can send me back to the feelings I felt when I was in high school. When the people I cared about betrayed me, or the things I wanted so bad were taken by others or others were chosen instead of me because I wasn’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or just enough.
There was once a time in my life where someone I knew for several years, and loved, fell in love with someone and was going to put his life on hold, including his decision to move, for that girl. I was very happy that he had found someone, yet inside my own heart was deflated, but just as I did for the cheerleaders in high school, I put my feelings aside and cheered him on. I wanted him to be happy. A short time after, I found out that this girl happened to be my friend. Neither of them knew the other knew me, but when I found out, I felt like everything had been ripped out of me and I felt like I was in high school again, you know, the sidekick of the girl everyone likes. The one who isn’t pretty enough, or smart enough, the one who just isn’t enough. Nothing happened with them and he did eventually find out how I felt. How I felt didn’t change anything. He still moved away, and I was left with the sickening feeling of not being good enough again. Not smart enough, not fun enough, not pretty enough, just not enough!
And now, I’m right back at all of those points again, where I just feel like I’m not enough. I put everything I had into everything I did and it just wasn’t enough. My relationship now has been to hell and back, with him leaving me behind for months at a time to take care of his life here, while he is away and no matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I was told I had to develop a life, so I did. I developed one helping people through various mental health websites. Connecting with people who feel the same way I do and who are supportive of me began taking up a large amount of time and suddenly I couldn’t do as much for him because I was trying to help myself. That just isn’t enough. So I stopped. I took a leave because all of the overwhelming emotions from this and other issues, were sucking everything out of me to the point that I had nothing left inside me. But, now that its gone, I feel like I have nothing at all. How can I be enough to someone if I have nothing???
And, at what point do we get to stop fighting to show we are enough. I can’t fight anymore. I don’t think we should ever have to fight to show ANYBODY that we are enough. If that person cares about us, then they will see it on their own. If its a relationship, both people should fight for the relationship. BOTH should be wanting to try hard to keep it together. If one person doesn’t want to try, then WHY? Why are you in a relationship together? If that person doesn’t mean enough to you to meet them halfway in fighting for the relationship, then why are you bothering at all?
Whats the point of this borin ol post….. the point is, I have spent a majority of my life feeling inferior, feeling I wasn’t good enough, and always playing the back up. NO MORE. I’m DONE BEING THE BACK UP. I’M DONE FIGHTING AND FIGHTING!!!! I want someone to fight for me. I want someone who believes that I am good enough and that I am worth fighting for. This fighting for something or someone that isn’t interested in fighting for me is just a waste because I know there has to be someone out there who thinks I’m enough and would meet me halfway.
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t enough. For every person that makes you feel that way, there is someone there who feels you ARE enough.
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