I’m sorry. Its turned sappy and sad…..

But, that kinda the nature of our illness.  We go up and down.  Right now, I am HATING the fact that I have this illness.  Why?  Because one thing I have learned through a lot of research and my own personal experiences, is that those with bipolar feel things much more intensely than others.  So, when someone is happy, we tend to feel the happiness much greater.  When we are sad, we feel it more.  When we have a broken heart, its like someone took a hammer to us and broke all of our bones too.

A broken heart is so hard to deal with.  Especially if it was a long term relationship.  You have so many memories and emotions, there are family members involved, mutual friends, etc.

Yet, not only do I end up with a broken heart, but I lost my best friend too.  And why does it hurt so much?  Because I didn’t even see it coming.  In my eyes, things looked like they were improving.  So, when it all came crashing down, it was not even remotely expected.

So now, here I sit with all of these new and great opportunities, some things to look forward to, and I was soooo excited and happy that I would have someone by my side who actually supported me and my endeavors and someone who would be proud of me.  And he was accomplishing so much, this being his last semester and graduating in May, and then on to his career.  I was so happy that things were going right for BOTH OF US!

Maybe I wasn’t excited enough, maybe I wasn’t getting better fast enough, maybe I did everything all wrong,  but whatever the reason, I’m no longer in his life plan.

Why is this so crushing, because it’s not like I haven’t been broken up with before, or even divorced?  He was the first one who UNDERSTOOD.  Who actually “Got” me.  He was more supportive of all my endeavors than anyone I have even known.  He took an interest in learning about bipolar etc.  I told him things nobody knew because he was also my best friend.  And he told me I understood him too.  We had both been through some similar things, so I “got” him too.  At least, I thought I did.  He said I did, but now, I guess he changed his mind.

As hard as I am trying to remain focused and continue on with all the things I had started and continuing on my path to getting the BP back into remission (as I have done before), its like my brain and my whole body has shut down.  He’s not there anymore.  There is this huge empty spot.  Everything I watch reminds me of him, everywhere I go reminds me of him, and reminds me of how he changed a lot of things in my life, a lot of my personal views, restoring faith (which, now I am questioning again), and helping me see all the things my parents saw,  but just gave me that outsider opinion that made me really believe it then.

I used to tell him that I never wanted to be a distraction from his schoolwork because that was the most important thing right now, and he always assured me that I wasn’t, and that I actually helped him.

I guess I just sit here in a pile of confusion and mixed messages and can do nothing but sit and keep wondering why.  Why does he not want me in his life any longer? What was the sudden change?  and so I feel totally empty, crushed to the ground, and feel like I was thrown away like an old newspaper and don’t really know why. I still wish the best for him though. I know he has good things ahead.  I just don’t understand why one of his biggest cheerleaders is no longer part of the squad.

I dont think love will ever be understood.  Everyone has their own definition, their own expectations, and their own views.  It doesn’t mean though, that we all don’t feel the same hurt, sadness, and pain when it ends.


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