All, Bipolar Disorder, Emotional Change, Humor, Random Musings

Is it a curse to be a good person???????

I mean seriously.  If  the odds of something bad happening are 1 in a million, I will be that 1 that it happens to. I try to stay out of trouble.  I try to mind my own business.  I try to do good things, like helping others through blogging or offering my help when someone mentions a problem.  I am there for my friends as much as I can be when they need someone, I stood by someone while no one else, but their family, did for years, I spent years giving up everything I liked and wanted to make sure that the man I loved would be happy.  I spent years running around trying to make everyone else happy and doing things for other people.  I always make a conscious effort to be friendly and conversational when I meet someone new or am in a setting where I don’t know anyone.  I  like to do fun little things to cheer up my friends when they are feeling sad or down.   When I love someone, I give them my whole heart.  I honestly am genuinely a nice person.  I try to follow the rules (ok, so I speed sometimes, we all do!) and keep on the straight and narrow.

So, then why is it, that I see people who are just downright mean, spiteful, vengeful, manipulative, and just downright evil getting all the breaks???  I play it fair and square and I land myself  on the road to nowhere. They treat everyone like shit and break every rule along the way and they are having nothing but fun and getting all the luck and positive success?

Is it impossible to get ahead when you are so far deep in the pit of failures or buried so deep in the mound of shit?  Will I ever be able to overthrow these assholes and plow through them????  Cause right now, I’m honestly feeling pretty hopeless.   People say that I am holding up incredibly well for my circumstances, but honestly, these last few days have just thrown me into a hole that I prefer to not come out of.  Why come out when I will be thrown back there within seconds?  Can you reach a point where you just don’t want to waste your energy on digging out anymore and instead you are going to just use that energy to realize that you are going to remain in that mound of shit and you should be using your energy to be making that mound more comfortable and more like your home than not being satisfied with it.  Could it be that my goals and dreams are just too high and are unattainable and I truly am wasting my efforts on trying to attain what will never be and what can never be????

The other thing, why does everyone feel the need to blame all of their crap on me and make me their personal punching bag???????  I understand that we all lose it and take things out on others when we are mad or upset, but I think I walk around with a sign on my head that says “Punch me!  I will try to help you and be there for you to help you and when times are really bad, instead of dealing with the source, just PUNCH ME!  THROW IT ALL AT ME!  Name call, mud sling, make me feel so shitty about myself and my life and the struggles I am having right now that I want to jump off a bridge because YOU are having an issue.  I know I’m not perfect and that I have done the same thing before.  On many occassions.  I have owned it though.  I have apologized and felt like extreme crap for days and days after the fact.  When something is my fault, I own it.  I don’t blame my entire life’s problems on other people and as much as I would like to just run from all my issues and problems and have someone else deal with them or have enough money to get myself out of the problems.  I have to face reality and solve the problems myself.

People like to accuse me of claiming to be perfect.  I never, ever in my life have EVER thought of myself as perfect.  In fact, if anyone knew me, they knew that part of the reason I had anorexia and bulimia for so long was because I WANTED TO BE PERFECT.  I never thought I was good enough or perfect.  That’s a far cry from claiming I’m perfect.  I make mistakes.  I make plenty of them, I mean, so many that I am where I am today!    If I was perfect, I don’t think I would be sitting here with a busted up car, on disability, with no home,  no more money, and a career that is over.  Is that someone who thinks they are perfect???  Dear God!  NO!   Yet every step forward I take, some asshole throws me 3 steps back.  I tackle the battles on my own, and 99% of the battles I have tackled, I have tackled on my own without anyone even knowing that I had to fight those battles.  I did what I had to do as an adult and took care of it before it became an issue or before it impacted anyone else.  I have made a million mistakes and am no where near perfect.  But, being perfect and being a good person are not the same.
I have a big heart, I am a good person, and just want to be able to start my life on this new path without getting shit on, and I can’t even do that.  What have I done that has been so horrible that this negativity follows me?  I am NOT a weak person, but even the strongest have a breaking point.  This whole post probably makes no sense and is one be rant about how I’m tired of playing by the rules and being a nice person with a big heart full of love and getting nothing in return but bad luck, people shitting on me, and my dreams stolen right before my eyes and nothing I do is making it any better or stopping it.

Your Thoughts and Comments

2 Comments

  1. Mustafa

    Having known you for a while, I have to say that I have been continually aamzed by your openness in this forum. Not that you have ever been particularly shy, but you have been guarded. I believe there comes a point when you realize hiding your secrets doesn’t help. It is better to be honest with yourself and others that you are not perfect because, more than likely, they too are struggling and may be even more afraid to share. You have opened the door to many, have educated even more, and, in some ways, I believe that has made you stronger. When you portray false strength, that makes you weak to any criticism. I believe, if you start off by honestly showing your weakness, it makes you stronger.I so proud of how you have faced these last 2 years of struggle. You are in many ways an inspiration!

  2. I feel the same way sometimes. I was bullied so badly that I still cannot function in very basic ways, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a walking target. I'm in COLLEGE, and I still get bullied. I'm afraid to walk into a room because everyone looks at me. This is crazy, you know? People who make others feel this way are doing just fine in their mindset, nobody questions them. I love helping people, yes I screw up, but I am compassionate. I would rather spend Saturday volunteering than partying.

    Movies and books make "nice" kids, bullied teens, the underdogs feel like there's going to be this fairytale transformation where you blossom into a beautiful, successful, happy woman, where all the jerks are asking you if you want fries with that.

    Totally didn't happen :/

Leave a Reply