Is THIS all there is????

If THIS is all there is to life, then I would like to see a copy of the contract or would like the receipt so I can get an exchange.  Am I going to be waking up at the crack of dawn to get some work in BEFORE work, then working 8 hours (to be able to bill the client for 7) only to go home and work another 4 hours on either work stuff, or housework?  Where is there time for any sort of enjoyment?  When do I get time to decompress?  When will I ever get to do anything that I truly want to do?  If I try to fit it in, it takes away from all the things I HAVE to do.  I mean, I HAVE to have a job.  Someone has to pay back those student loans and buy my groceries and there has to be SOMEONE to tax so all the people who really don’t have disabilities or who aren’t trying to find a job can collect their unemployment or disability and buy their fancy cars.

Is this all there is?  Email and after email of just JUNK!  Pure junk!  If I wanted to buy something they were selling, I would go to them.  You put spam filters on, but they bypass them.  So, out of the 100 emails, about 2 are actual emails that are important and mean something.  That means I spend all that time deleting all of those emails that I never registered or even wanted to get to begin with.

Is this all there is?  Being sucked into this dark black hole and not able to get out?  But yelling and screaming and begging and pleading for someone to help you and rescue you, and because of one small mistake they won’t help you.   Inside you are dying in the black hole.  You have given all of your energy to work and to helping everyone else and so there is no energy for you to get out.  Your pleas are not heard because your voice is so weak, its almost a whimper.  You wish the tears would stop but they don’t.  Really?  This is supposed to be life?

Every little thing either makes you so irritated you want to throw it across the room, or gives you a headache or migraine so bad you wish you could rip your brain out of your skull just to stop the pain.  And then, while at it, you hope your heart goes too.  You are tired of feeling.  You don’t want to feel anymore.  You want to be like everyone else.  You want to be numb, selfish, self-centered, ungrateful, unreliable, and irresponsible like everyone else because you are always left in the cold because of how caring, selfless, gracious, reliable and responsible you are.  For once, I want to be that person who can just walk around and not give a damn.  I always wondered how that feels.  If you take my brain and heart out, I think I can do it then. Because this CANT be all there is!

And one set of rules for some and another set of rules for others can’t be the way it is either.  I thought the same rules applied to everyone.  Thats what fair means right?  Equality?  Why doesn’t that happen?  In relationships?  In friendships?  In families?  In the courts?  In government?  Why is it ok for some people to break the laws or rules and when others do it, it doesn’t matter.  The ones with little involvement get the brunt of it while the bigger guys get to walk away.  Why isn’t the bigger guys life impacted or affected too?  And when you are in a relationship, why can one person do one thing but the other person can’t.  Thats not a partnership, its a dictatorship.  Is that what life is turning into?

Is this all my life is???  A whole bunch of rules to follow while others break them without consequence, days and weekends of work trying to scrape by while others get to laze around and take the money I work hard for, a body that is so filled with pain and exhaustion inside and out because anytime I try to get some rest or some time to recover, someone is demanding something more from me.   I give every ounce of everything I have to everyone else and its not even enough anymore.  This CAN’T be all there is!!!!!

I have dreams and there are things I like to do, there are places I would like to go, so many people I need to see, and yet, while I’m stuck in this blackened hole, I think they are only going to be dreams.  Reality has become a bitter, cold, and lonely place.  Its filled with too much sadness, too much pain, and too much darkness.    AND THAT is why I want to know WHO gave me this??? WHO decided that this was the way my life was supposed to be???!!  WHO issued this to me and who do I go to so I can exchange it!  I don’t want this.  And no matter how hard I try to get out, something else knocks me back on my ass.  I’ve picked myself up so many times, I just can’t anymore.

How about a rewind then?  If I can’t get an exchange, how about rewinding?????  I try to do a few things different and hope the outcome changes what its like today!!!!  Lets go back to when times were good….. WHo has the time machine?????   McFly???!!!!

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Christi