Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Hot Mess Diary, Pre Diagnosis, Random Musings, Relationships (Love)

Feelings or Numb

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.)

Why do you love someone?? Love is such a weird emotion. I hate loving people. Actually, I hate having emotions. I hate feelings. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset. I hate being annoyed.

I hate loving someone. I hate it because I always love that person too much. I always love the person like 100 times more than they love me. Or care about a person 1,000 time more than they care about me. I always end up getting hurt.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I shouldn’t expect people to treat me nicely. My philosophy is always treat others as you would want to be treated. But, it doesn’t seem that anyone else really follows that. A lot of people are very selfish and only care about benefitting themselves. Maybe my problem really is that I care too much about people. I do so much for them and give them everything that I have (physically and emotionally) and I shouldnt. Is there one person out there that would give me every thing that THEY had physically and emotionally??? Nope.

When I want to cry, who is there for me???? No one really. There are a lot of people who would be happy to tell me all my mistakes.

When I want to talk about something, who is there? Apparently, I talk to much. I have a bit of a motor mouth and talk way too much. I guess I get annoying.

When I want to be happy about something, who is there to be happy with me?! Well, as long as there is a party involved, then almost anyone! But, about 90% of the people will take what you have to be happy about and then try to one up you. I.E. I am looking for a job to get more money and more experience. Friend comes up.. OH yea. ha. I was just sitting there and someone called me up and offered me a new job making more and stuff. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! Thanks for rubbing that in my freakin face!

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, however, these days, I feel like he is so distant. He thinks there is something shady going on with me and his roommate. UNBELIEVEABLE. SOOO NOT TRUE. ┬áHe mentioned that he thought that me and our roommate were closer than me and him. Well, in some respects, it is true. His roommate listens when I talk. He wants to hear about my day and wants to hear my funny stories. He laughs with me. When I am at home by myself, he invites me to hang out with him and his friends. He doesn’t pick up and leave and make me feel like I am such a burden or such a bitch that someone NEEDS days apart away from me.

At home with my boyfriend, everything that I do, is somehow wrong too. I am trying soooo freakin hard to make everything ok for him and make him happy, but its not enough. He gets sooo mad at me, FOR NOTHING, and kicks me out of our room. I feel like all I am is a burden these days. All I do is make his life miserable. I have been very happy and trying to do all the things he mentioned before that he wished that I would do, and even then, he is still not happy.

I don’t think that I will ever meet anyone’s standards. I will never be good enough for anyone. For a while, I was starting to believe that I WAS good enough. But lately, it seems that I am just not.

I wish that there was something I could do that would numb the pain. Something that would just make all my feelings go away. Something to take away my tear ducts. I don’t want to feel sadness or hurt, or guilt, or betrayal, or ANYTHING. I don’t even want to feel happiness. Because if I feel happiness, that means that I have feelings. I want to become an insensitive bitch. That is the only way to get around in this world. It sucks, but apparently, that is how it works.

As I sit upstairs alone, because I am afraid to go downstairs and make my boyfriend angry or upset that I am in the room, I think about how I could wake up tomorrow and just walk around with a FUCK YOU attitude. I get myself all psyched up and think about how I am going to be a bitch. I am not going to give a shit and that will make my life better. Well, the morning comes around and as soon as I open my eyes and see my boyfriend next to me, curled up with my little puppy, I melt. I think, why can’t every single moment in this lifetime feel this way???? Why can’t everyone just be peaceful and warm toward each other. Why can’t everyone do that? Is it so hard????? Is it soooo hard to just be nice or to return favors, or to compliment someone, or to just listen to them, or be happy for them? Is it sooo hard to put the self absorbancy aside for a few minutes and be happy for someone else, or be a compliment to someone else, instead of always having to be the star????

I will never be a star. I will always be that compliment. And maybe one day that will be a good thing, maybe it won’t. All I know is that I try to treat others as I would want to be treated. I try not to say mean things that I will regret. I try to give everyone else every single ounce of me if I can. I don’t expect anything in return, not even a thank you.

I will close with this…. when you love someone… it hurts. It hurts sooo much. You cry when they cry, you laugh when they laugh, you yell when they yell. you become one with them.

I wish I didn’t love. I really do.

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