Lately, I have been receiving emails, messages, and other comments from individuals telling me that I have inspired them, or others in various ways. In good ways. I think it’s incredible and such a great, positive thing because I love helping others, and am quite flattered and in awe that my thoughts and opinions have been so useful. Yet, it still doesn’t sink in to my brain how I could have possibly been an inspiration when I, myself, was so miserable and a roller coaster of emotion that couldn’t be contained. What positive things could anyone have taken from a person who was at every end of the spectrum in such a way she was basically making her own spectrum?
The way I viewed myself was not the way others viewed me at all.
But why? Was that because of the smile I constantly kept plastered on my face while out in public? No one could see me while at home bawling my eyes out, scraping and carving at my ankles (no higher than socks could cover) hoping the pain and sadness would just go away. Was I so good at faking happiness and spouting out words of wisdom that people only knew, or remembered me in that way? They didn’t think I was just one miserable, sad soul who was dying to fit in and just wanting to be accepted and loved? Apparently not.
I don’t really know if that’s a good or bad thing though. I think it’s one thing to keep that phrase “fake it til you make it” in the back of your mind because sometimes just faking a little bit of positivity or happiness can trigger actual happiness, but if it is to the point where it is so good that no one ever sees the “real you,” that could create a problem. You can’t let yourself become an internal ticking time bomb of emotion or have self destructed your entire inner core and all of you because you suffered completely in silence due to your amazing ability to keep ALL the negativity and emotions that were not consistent with the “happy, positive” version of you away from EVERYONE. How will YOU ever get better, or reach “REAL” stability if you are living a constant facade.
Here I am, writing for a website (Ask a Bipolar) where people are looking for help, hope and inspiration, and I’m also using this website to do the same, but when I am told by someone that I have inspired them or told that I give great advice or have amazing ideas, I basically can’t believe it.
Why is it so hard for us to see the good in ourselves?
Why do I not let anyone see the other side of me? The emotional disaster? Do I think they would only take advice or listen to someone who “appears put together?” Do I think that because I’ve done the whole hospital thing and the IOP that I should not be having these bad feelings anymore, and that I,had them for so long untreated, that I “used up” all my time to show when I was faltering inside? Maybe I feel that I should be punishing myself?
Why must we always think that we deserve to be punished?
Maybe its just me. Maybe I think that because I was so horrible while trying to control the bipolar I never knew I had, I must be punished for punishing everyone else with all the bad behaviors, and the roller coaster I forced them all to be on with me.
But I don’t have to punish myself right? Or do I? When will I be able to step back and look at something and accept that I did it, I did it well, and others think I did well too. When can finally accept that the days that I feel good or feel happy, its ok for me to feel that way. I don’t always have to feel bad, but I don’t always have to feel good to be inspiring. But I DO have to allow myself to feel the good feelings that come when someone says I have inspired them. I can let those soak in. I SHOULD let that soak in. Maybe then I won’t feel 100%’bad all the time and be an internal nightmare. It’s ok to be happy. Compliments are not bad. Let them sink in. If I actually let them sink in, instead of analyzing them for every single reason that I believe they are wrong, I may actually be helping myself as well….
Its ok to inspire others. Its ok to inspire others. I am an inspiration. I can continue to be an inspiration….(if I keep repeating over and over, maybe it will sink in and I can feel like I really am an inspiration)……