More Excerpts from the Bipolar Hot Mess Journals……

…do you ever think that your life is meaningless?  And everything you have worked to achieve is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and if it took almost years to accomplish this then all the things I want to, or should, accomplish will never be achieved so no point in trying anymore.  Time to just say Fuck it all and realized that this is all I am meant to be for now.  So, time to accept this and be comfortable and stop trying to be more than I can achieve at this point in my life.

Change.  I hate change.  Its so annoying and unsettling to me.  Change to me is the affirmation that anything can happen.  Nothing is permanent and nothing is secure.  Everything changes.  Seasons, people, friends, lovers, jobs, styles.  The world is constantly evolving and if things don’t change with it, it gets left behind.  If I don’t accept change, I get left behind.  Change is good and change is bad.  You gain friends and lose friends, you gain strength and lose your weaknesses and vices, but one event could gain trust or lose it just as fast.  Something could strengthen friendship as well as break it.

Live for the moment.  Life has become way too complicated and way too intense to add more pressures.  Even living in the moment is hard.  The emotions I feel are so intense and I don’t know how to handle them.  I have NO idea what I even want anymore except that something in my life is not right.  Is it my brain that makes me depressed?  I know that I am genetically pre-disposed to it so is that it? Is it my job? Is it just my entire lifestyle?  What is it and how do I fix it?  How do I get through each day without crying and without leading myself up to a major meltdown?  Everything I thought I knew and thought was all in place was really not there at all.  I didn’t really know anything at all.

Reality.  What a ridiculous evil place to be.  Everyone is assholes because they can.  Everyone stabs you in the back because they can.  People take advantage because they can.  Reality sucks.  True friends are hart to find and hard to keep.

Those are a few clips from some journal entries I’ve written over the years.  I started writing and keeping journals when I was 15, so these thoughts and feelings are from all different parts and points in my life.  I always like to point that out because I want everyone to know that these may not reflect my CURRENT thoughts or feelings, and that events that I may refer to could be events from any point in my life, so I could have been a teenager with so little exposure to the world or I could have been in my 20’s with some experience in the adult world, etc.  Either way, these were my thoughts at some point.  I think that the only way to get into the mind of someone with bipolar disorder, is to really get into their mind!  And what better way to do it than through their journals and their actual thoughts!

 

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Christi


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