My Friend ED.. aka eating disorder

Friend.  HA!  Isn’t that a joke.

ED wants you to think he’s your friend, but does a friend slowly suck the life out of you and consume your ever waking (and even sleeping) moment with obsession and self loathing?  Hmmm. Actually… Just Kidding.  I wouldn’t call that a friend!  And yet, no matter how hard you try to get rid of him, he is always there, just lingering in the back of your mind, just waiting to pounce when you start to get too comfortable with who you are and what you look like.  You gain a pound or two, you may wince a little bit but console yourself that it’s just “that time of the month and it’s water weight” or “it’s the holidays” or whatever little excuse you can come up with to try and put your mind at ease.  Then it turns to 5 lbs.  Your pants start to feel a little tighter, and your shirts require a little more tugging.  You begin to hear ED whispering “you know what to do, you know you can lose those pounds, you know how to do it, I’m right here to help you”

“SHUT UP!” you tell him.  “Go AWAY!”

And it works.

For a little while.

Those 5 lbs turn to 8. You now are simulating those commercials for pairs of jeans on tv with the women jumping and tugging and pulling with all their might to squeeze into their outfits.

Here comes ED again…. “Its easy!  Remember!  C’mon.”

“UGGGGHHHHHH!  GO AWAY!”

You try and try and try to shut that stupid bastard up, but he just keeps nagging you.  You see, some of us can pinpoint the exact moment ED came into our lives.  Me, well, I can’t give an exact “aha” moment.  He just slowly became a part of my life.  Never, ever did I think that once you let ED in, he NEVER goes away.  He will kind of hide and lay dormant, but he never goes away.

For about 7 years I maintained what my pDoc and I had determined was my “safe” weight.  My safe weight was one that we had determined was appropriate for my height and build and one that I was comfortable with and didn’t feel the need to restrict or purge.  Once I started getting out of that safe weight, well, ED always started to come back around.  Too far under that weight and ED kept pushing “you know you can do better. You can get thinner!”  Too far above and ED would come running with a megaphone

“ATTN! ATTN!  PLEASE REVERT BACK TO ALL DIETARY RESTRICTIONS AND WORKOUT REGIMES! I REPEAT! REVERT BACK TO ALL DIETARY RESTRICTIONS AND WORKOUT REGIMES!”

NO!   This time I was going to fight back!  Its truly one of the hardest things to ignore.  Its so easy to slip back into old routines and habits.  To keep those “skinny clothes” at bay and in front of you as constant reminders that you really can get back into those.  But, it takes a much stronger, more confident self to tell ED to Shut the F**K up and go back into hiding.  Learning to accept and embrace a body that is uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  You know how easy it is to go back into those unhealthy ways, but you don’t want to because you remember how consuming it was.  How every minute of your day was spent calculating calories, planning each and every morsel and calorie you put into your mouth and how it would come out.  You didn’t enjoy life.  Everyday was another 24 hours of pure obsession and self hatred.  You thought that if you looked perfect on the outside then inside you would be perfect too.  WRONG!  That’s what ED wants you to believe.

But the truth……

You have to love yourself on the inside.  It doesn’t matter what is on the outside.  We can’t stop time, and we can’t stop our bodies from biologically aging.  What we CAN do is hold on to what we have inside.  In our hearts, in our minds and in our lives.  MUCH MUCH easier said than done though in a society where every where you look there is a size 0 actress or model on a magazine, or a commercial for a weight loss drug or supplement or a fitness machine.  Everywhere you look there is some new gimmick trying to get you to find all those little insecurities and turn it into a gremlin.  Those gimmicks are water and your insecurities are the gremlins.  Add those and you get the gremlin ED.  Some are strong enough to push him aside.  Some of us are not so strong and cave in to ED’s deplorable lifestyle.

Right now, I am doing all that I can to keep ED hidden.  But its hard.  Its so hard.  I’m trying to be comfortable with my new curves.  I’m trying to embrace the fact that I am now almost 35 years old.  My metabolism just isn’t the same and that adding a few pounds is NOT the end of the world.  (Although ED would surely like to continually remind you that it IS the end of the world.) ED has been LYING to you all this time.  That life sucking leach.  Being beautiful does not mean you have to remain exactly the way you looked on the outside at a particular point in your life.  Beautiful means that you maintain your character, your personality, YOURSELF!  You learn lessons from your mistakes. You grow intellectually and spiritually.  Throw out that damn scale.  I haven’t owned a scale in several years.  Why?  Because the second I would step on it ED would come taunting back!

Right now I’m telling ED to take a long walk off a short pier.  Will it work?  Probably not.  ED never leaves.  He is always a part of you.  The only difference is, will you let ED take back over your life or will YOU keep control of your life.

I’m trying…… but the battle is just that. A battle.  This time though, I want to be the winner.  I want ED knocked out of the ring….. We shall see…….

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Christi