I couldn’t help it!!! It just kinda crept up on me and before I knew it, it slapped me in the face and started laughing at me!! And now, its too late to call “time-out” and make time freeze (like Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell) so I can fix it. It always creeps up on you. People point it out to you, but you DENY DENY DENY because you KNOW you are ok. Clearly, if something was amiss or if the observations were accurate, you would see them too. Right?! WRONG! Big Fat WRONG!
So, how did I finally realize it hit me? Not when my boyfriend kept telling me over and over again. But when my sister came over for a visit, and she left, I felt a huge feeling of sadness and loneliness. I wanted to beg her to not go. To not leave me. Even just her physically sitting in the room with me and not demanding something of me or expecting me to entertain, was soothing to me. It was one of the first times I didn’t have anxiety while sitting in my house these last few months. So when she walked out the door, I cried. I basically sobbed. 🙁
I remember these feelings when I was in my outpatient therapy and times when my ex-husband was away. When someone would keep me company, I was always SO incredibly grateful. When someone is around, I can’t get lost in my head and get lost in all my thoughts which bring me back onto the emotional roller coaster. Companionship keeps my head on a level ground.
So, I then looked at my camera, my facebook photo albums, and the pictures on my camera from the last few months. They all consist of random things I come across while shopping, commuting to or from work, of my ex-husband, or of my dogs. It really hits me that I have isolated myself! While, most of my friends do live in the suburbs and I don’t have access to a car, there are still ways around it. I just haven’t made more of an effort.