When I’m Sorry Is No Longer Enough

Sometimes in relationships, the words “I’m Sorry” begin to lose their meaning. In some cases, can begin to mean nothing when we keep using them so flippantly as a quick band-aid, but then don’t follow through and change those actions or behaviors. In many situations, you can be saying I’m sorry, all while knowing that those words don’t mean anything to the other person anymore.  It’s just an “auto fill” statement that comes out when… Continue Reading

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Why I Hate Hollywood……yet can’t stay away *sigh*

They are liars.  Yes folks.  They lie there.  They make these movies and make these characters that are just too perfect.  Then, we watch these movies and when our life doesn’t compare to the perfection in their movies, we are miserable.  Hollywood makes us miserable because we are trying to attain the illusions they put in front of us.  Thats all they are!  Illusions.  The movies are supposed to make us feel good, supposed to… Continue Reading

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A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

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Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

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Bipolar Brain Block to Cell Block

No matter how much I try, or how many writing prompts or exercises I try, I just can’t seem to write these days. A lot of people suggest to, “write what you know.”  Well, sometimes what I know just gets kind of boring.  It feels redundant.  How many posts can I write about what I’m feeling like today, or what the symptoms of bipolar disorder are, or life with eating disorders is like.  I’m sure… Continue Reading

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So, What Do You Do For A Living?

Whenever I am invited to attend an event, or even just go out in public, there is a certain rush of anxiety that washes over me that remains there all the way not just until the day of the event or outing but lasting all through it as well.  What could possibly be so daunting for me? I mean, I used to be a social butterfly and out and about more days and nights of… Continue Reading

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Adventures in the Psych Ward

I was reading the book Manic, by Terri Cheney and I got to a part in her story where she is describing a visit to a psych facility.  Ms. Cheney was describing it with such vividness, it brought me back to 10 years ago; the first group of my hospital visits .(I’ve had 3 of them, 2 were within a 3 months period and the last one was about 7 years later at a different… Continue Reading

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Barbie can have a brain too!

There was a very big stereotype that Barbie, you know, the perfectly figured blonde haired beauty was just that, outter beauty. She wasn’t known for being smart or intellectual. Every girl not only wanted a Barbie doll, but they wanted to be Barbie. Why? Well, who wouldn’t? Barbie had this incredible “dream home” a silver corvette, a gorgeous boyfriend named Ken, not to mention all the fabulous clothes and accessories. Her plastic world looked so… Continue Reading

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Another birthday creeping up…

Another year farther away from what my life used to be.  That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.  This year, I want to make this a birthday to remember, but I want to remember it the way my new life is; not how life used to be. What did life used to be? (I’m going to use different names to protect the privacy of those… Continue Reading

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Paintbrush

I keep my paintbrush with me Wherever I may go In case I need to cover up So the real me doesn’t show I’m so afraid to show you me Afraid of what you’ll do That you might laugh or say mean things I’m afraid I might lose you. I’d like to remove all my paint coats To show you the real, true me, But I want you to try and understand I need you… Continue Reading

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