Yes. This is the story of my life, and I’m not being specific to men in my life. Friends, family, anyone that I care about. That seems to be my problem. I give everything, too much in fact. I give so much that I lose track and sight of myself and who I am. Then I feel constantly let down when I need someone to be there, and no one is there. I can’t expect everyone to give as much as I do, nor do I expect that, but I do expect that they reciprocate a little bit. Instead of me being the one that is always the comforting and consoling one, giving the advice, and doing all I can to make them feel better, sometimes I need someone to do that for me.
I give far too much, and care far too much, but that is just who I am. They have said that people with bipolar feel each emotion much stronger than others normally feel them. For example, hurt. If someone is hurt by someone elses words, a person without bipolar will feel hurt a bit but will continue on. Someone with bipolar will feel that hurt like 5 times more, so its harder to continue on. That is also true with positive emotions to, like happiness. That is how I end up getting myself into my manic phases. I ride that happiness as long as I can because who knows when it will come back again.
Point is, I sit here and feel alone, slighted, hurt, sad, confused, and just wanting to disappear because I have unrealistic expectations to some extent. I know that others are not going to be as overly caring and giving, and emotional as me, but I don’t think that I am totally off base to expect some sort of mutual support. I get tired of carrying everyone elses burdens on my shoulders while trying to help them when there is no one to help shoulder mine.
I guess that is where this blog comes in. This carries some of the load. This carries the part of the load that keeps me sane and somewhat grounded so that I don’t fall into the dark pit and not come out.
I have to learn the difference between how much is too much to invest and how much to trust others with my emotions and trust that they are there. I’m 30 years old and I feel like I’m 5 sometimes.
Regardless, for the people I love and care for, I would catch a grenade for you. I think everyone knows that. Who’s going to battle the grenade with me??? I don’t ask that anyone ever catch a grenade, just help me fight it.
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The Bipolar Hot Mess gives an overview of Borderline Personality Disorder. www.bipolarhotmess.com for more information.