What happens if you say no?

In the last few weeks, I have had a few people approach me and ask me for help in some form or another.  Now, what is the Hot Mess’ immediate reaction when someone asks for help? “Sure!” And then it happens.  I’ve committed to something else.  What I fail to do before immediately responding is to assess how much I currently have on my plate, or what I have going on in my life and… Continue Reading

AHHHH! It’s a compliment!! HIDE!!!

Does anyone else find it hard or uncomfortable when they receive a compliment?  Like, almost unreal or unbelievable that someone would think that of you?  I have found it increasingly hard to accept a compliment.  For many, many years I battled with low self-esteem and when I finally started to gain it back, I was surrounded by people who knocked me down.  When you are continually put down, it gradually wears on you and breaks… Continue Reading

A Day In the Life of A Bipolar in Therapy

This is a direct entry from my journal.  Sometimes I have to look back to see how far I have come and to remind myself where I DON’T want to go…… September 16, 2006 I spent the day with MSA from group.  I had a good time.  [My boyfriend’s] friend gave us his tickets to go see Wicked and we went.  This was the second night in a row I felt normal.  I mean, we… Continue Reading

Yes, We can be “dramatic,” but that is just how our feelings work.

There are times when I absolutely want to scream at friends or family, or throw things around my room, but then (usually very shortly) after,  I feel absolutely, devastatingly horrible for even letting a thought like that cross my mind. And when I say  “absolutely, devastatingly horrible,” I’m not talking about the typical, standard, everyday remorse that is felt when you say, think, or do something in the heat of the moment and you immediately… Continue Reading

Where Did I Lose Your Love? My Last Letter To You

Or maybe the better question is When? Dear Ex…wait,  you aren’t very dear, so how about To The Ex, I’ve been there for you in the good times and the bad.  I tried to be the best ME that I could be.  When I discovered people trying to hurt you, I told you, yet you always found a way to make me the bad one. I still sucked it up.  I let it happen time… Continue Reading

Another year older, but wiser?

Here I am.  Another year older.  I woke up this morning and was actually relieved that I was not hungover (as I usually am after a night of birthday celebrations) but instead just looked like I was run over.  If smeared eyeliner and the rats nest of curls with mass quantities of hairspray were the only evidence of a night out, then for sure it was a success.  I’ve also been awake for almost 12… Continue Reading

When I’m Sorry Is No Longer Enough

Sometimes in relationships, the words “I’m Sorry” begin to lose their meaning. In some cases, can begin to mean nothing when we keep using them so flippantly as a quick band-aid, but then don’t follow through and change those actions or behaviors. In many situations, you can be saying I’m sorry, all while knowing that those words don’t mean anything to the other person anymore.  It’s just an “auto fill” statement that comes out when… Continue Reading

A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

Bipolar Brain Block to Cell Block

No matter how much I try, or how many writing prompts or exercises I try, I just can’t seem to write these days. A lot of people suggest to, “write what you know.”  Well, sometimes what I know just gets kind of boring.  It feels redundant.  How many posts can I write about what I’m feeling like today, or what the symptoms of bipolar disorder are, or life with eating disorders is like.  I’m sure… Continue Reading