A blast from the past…

Another trip through the Bipolar Hot Mess Archives….. So, I have been going through journals and re-reading poems that I have written, trying to piece back together what happened and what I was feeling prior to and while I was in therapy. Sometimes, it seems such a blur, and sometimes it seems clear as day. Sometimes, I can’t even remember anything at all. I found this entry in a random notebook: I came to a… Continue Reading

Closing the Door

The last bag is packed, the boxes all taped Every thought about every mistake I look around the cold and empty room No longer home, the bride leaving the groom There’s suddenly no air, my lungs, I can’t breathe My legs begin to tremor so I can not leave The desyncappated beat of whats left of my heart The pieces of my life scattered, all broken apart Close the door, drive away, all the tears… Continue Reading

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Cripes. Its here……..Totally Snuck Up On Me

What’s here?  The depressive cycle.  I tried.  I really did.  I tried to fight this like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby (no, not the last fight she was in!!! All the ones before, you know, the ones that got her TO that last fight).  But, as nature likes to remind me, IT calls the shots. Stupid nature. I mean, I’ve done it all right.  I’ve taken my meds like I’m supposed to, saw my… Continue Reading

From Witty………to Shitty…….

another unpublished post I dug up from the archives (this cleaning stuff has really benefited in more ways than one): Yes folks. I have gone from coming up with endless amounts of witty comments and diatribes, to thinking nothing but shitty things. What could cause such a drastic turn in one’s brain you ask?! Well, the other part of being bipolar is a depressive state. I’m not just a roller coaster of manic and then… Continue Reading

Dear Friends, I suck.

Dear Friends, Yes.  I admit that I have become a shithead lately.  I have crawled into a cave and found myself a nice cozy blanket in there.  No, it’s not warm in there.  No, it’s not fun.  No, I don’t want to be there, but it has become my self preservation and coping mechanism.  If I just stay in the hole, this too shall pass right?  Well, it’s kinda lonely in there, and I’m letting… Continue Reading

Ok. I did it. I broke the cardinal rule…..

I couldn’t help it!!!  It just kinda crept up on me and before I knew it, it slapped me in the face and started laughing at me!! And now, its too late to call “time-out” and make time freeze (like Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell) so I can fix it.  It always creeps up on you.  People point it out to you, but you DENY DENY DENY because you KNOW you are ok.  Clearly,… Continue Reading

They said it would be better

Yes. They all said that after my divorce was final, I would feel better.  But I don’t.  I feel just the same; if not worse.  They said I would feel a huge weight lifted off me.  But I don’t.  Instead I feel an ever greater weight on me…..an enormous attorney bill contributing to it all.  They said it would be a brand new, fresh start, but it isn’t.  Its the same thing it was the… Continue Reading

Alone

This poem, was pretty much one of the first poems I wrote. (Well, I may have written some on scraps of paper that I may or may not find in boxes somewhere, but this is the first one that is dated and written on the first page of my first book dedicated to my poem writing.)  I think I was 13 or 14. This is also probably one of the first actually written acknowledgements that… Continue Reading

Completely unimaginable…..

Have you ever sat and thought about all the things that you would be amazed at if they ever happened, but you know that in reality they never will. Like, your boyfriend/girlfriend uttering the following words “You were right”. Everyone has a list, and mine is definitely more expansive than what I just mentioned. I always picture that one day those crushes from back in the day, or exes, would somehow find me and declare… Continue Reading

Death. The Love Hate Relationship

A major widespread concern these days has been suicide.  I started to think about this because of a book my sister gave me to read and because of events currently in my family.  Not necessarily suicide, but death.  My sister gave me the book  “Life, In Spite of Me: Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice” by Kristen Jane Anderson.  The book is a story of a teen in the Chicagoland area that attempts suicide, but… Continue Reading