Every Night I Am Afraid

Yes. I am afraid. It’s bedtime and I’m terrified. This is the time I always become the most afraid. I lay in bed while I begin to panic and cry because I am afraid that he is going to forget me. That he is going to forget how much he loves me, forget what it feels like to love me, forget what it looks like to love me, forget what I look like, forget how much… Continue Reading

Feelings or Numb

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.) Why do you love someone?? Love is such a weird emotion. I hate loving people. Actually, I hate having emotions. I hate feelings. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset. I hate being annoyed. I hate loving someone. I hate it because I always love that person too much. I always love the person like 100 times more… Continue Reading

Graduating From Therapy! *from the archives*

From the Hot Mess Archives! Yippie! I am FINALLY graduating on March 20! I am so glad and feel such a sense of accomplishment. However, I am still sad. My parents, bro and sis are going to be there, which is awesome, but there is one person that I want to be there, that isn’t. They have to work. Its disappointing because I want that person to share the excitement of how far I have… Continue Reading

Completely unimaginable…..

Have you ever sat and thought about all the things that you would be amazed at if they ever happened, but you know that in reality they never will. Like, your boyfriend/girlfriend uttering the following words “You were right”. Everyone has a list, and mine is definitely more expansive than what I just mentioned. I always picture that one day those crushes from back in the day, or exes, would somehow find me and declare… Continue Reading

I used to….

I used to have a home.  An almost 4,000 sq ft home, right on the Chicago River with a bedroom that looked out onto the river. I used to have a home that was considered mine, that I cleaned, I decorated, and lived in for about 6 years.  I used to have a husband.  I used to have a husband that at one time was charming, sweet, and I had many good times and memories… Continue Reading

Even The Hot Mess Doesn’t Have All the Answers

Yes folks. Its true.  I really don’t have all the answers.  If I did, I probably would know why people think that insulting and hurting other people because you feel poorly about yourself is acceptable.  Especially when its the ones you love.  If I had all the answers I would know why people who are completely selfish walk around saying that everybody else is the selfish one.  I would also know why it hurts so… Continue Reading

Understanding…..

Another excerpt (then I promise to write aboutmore cheery things for a bit) but I feel that right now, this is important in my life and I think many other can benefit from this as well. But, as I well knew, and understanding at an abstract level doesnot necessarily translate into an understanding at a day-to-day level. I have become fundamentally and deeply skeptical that anyone who does not have this illness can truly understand… Continue Reading

The Ton of Bricks Have Finally Hit Me

break up

The inital burn. That’s what hurts the most. The “I can’t believe that this is happening, how could he do this to me, what did I do wrong, and why is he being so mean about it” kind of hurt. The “how am I going to move on from this, who is going to be there for me, who is going to snuggle with me, and make me laugh, and watch tv with me and… Continue Reading

Love, Emotions, I hate feeling emotions…

(Excerpts from the journals of the Bipolar Hot Mess. All names have been changed for privacy.) Why do you love someone?  Love is such a weird emotion to me. I hate the fact that my mind and body have the ability to love people.  Actually, on second thought, I hate having a lot of other emotions and feelings.  I mean, love isn’t the only emotion. I hate feeling sad, or mad, or upset and let’s… Continue Reading