And yet….and yet I wonder……

Yes. Me wondering is a very dangerous thing because my mind, thoughts and ideas can travel to some really really unexpected places. BUT… I wonder, as I have been doing some research on mental illnesses in my recent quest to do some volunteer work (to give me something to do which will get me out of my boyfriend’s hair, and so I can better understand myself), I was looking up some of the different illnesses,… Continue Reading

“It Will Get Better!” LIARS!!!!!

People try to encourage you and tell you that things will get better. “Once the divorce is finalized, it will get better,” “Once you get over him, it will get better,”  “Once you get approved for disability, things will get better,” they said. REALLY? Because my divorce is finalized, I got over HIM, and I got approved for disability and things just seem to continue to keep crashing downhill.  You think you hit rock bottom,… Continue Reading


One of the key components to recovery is acceptance. Coming to terms with what it is. Bipolar disorder. I’ve accepted that I have it. I have accepted that I will have it the rest of my life. I’ve accepted the symptoms. The highs, the lows, the meds, the docs, hospitals, cognitive and behavioral therapies; I’ve accepted it all. For the rest of my life I will have to adapt my lifestyle to trying to keep… Continue Reading

How Hot Mess Really Became “The Bipolar Hot Mess”: The story of how I went from a paralegal with a bipolar diagnosis, to mental health advocate with a catchy name

I’ve never really told the whole story.  I mean, bits and pieces are told in passing, pieces are posted in my different bio pages for the different organizations and sites that I have written for, but I have never really sat down and publicly told the full story of how I became “The Bipolar Hot Mess.”  Those who know me, saw the transformation and witnessed all the baby steps that I took to get to… Continue Reading

More Excerpts from the Bipolar Hot Mess Journals……

…do you ever think that your life is meaningless?  And everything you have worked to achieve is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and if it took almost years to accomplish this then all the things I want to, or should, accomplish will never be achieved so no point in trying anymore.  Time to just say Fuck it all and realized that this is all I am meant to be for now.  So,… Continue Reading

“…because I had never, ever figured out how to f**king deal.”

– Marya Hornbacher said that in her book Wasted. Why is this part of my “favorite things” series of posts???  Because Marya Horbacher is not only an amazing woman and I have a deep admiration for her, but she is an outstanding writer and even more than that, her first book Wasted may have saved my life.  After reading that book, and seeing how she could get down to 54 pounds and be given one… Continue Reading

The Bipolar Hot Mess 2013 NAMI Walks Team – Chicago style!

ATTN!!! NAMIWalks IS COMING! This year I have created a team for the Bipolar Hot Mess website to do the NAMI Walks in Chicago. If you are in Chicago and would like to join the team, it is Sept 21 at Grant Park. If you would like to support the Bipolar Hot Mess and her incredibly awesome team (already 1 member from the site!) and donate a TAX DEDUCTIBLE amount to our team that goes… Continue Reading

Weighing In – Recovered or Not

One question I have been thinking about when thinking of eating disorders is, IS THERE FULL RECOVERY?  What is considered full recovery?  I mean, obviously if you have bulimia and stop purging, then you have reached recovery in that respect, but what about anorexia?  If you are not restricting calories, not working out to extremes (or working out at all), not taking anything to intentionally make you lose weight, but  it still takes you hours… Continue Reading

Dreams of Ancient Times…….

We have all had those dreams haven’t we?   You know, the ones that have a cast of characters from your past.  Maybe a former love, or a long lost best friend, or the huge crush that wouldn’t give you the time of day.  Sometimes its reliving an exact experience from back in the day, other times its just the characters from the past and you embark on a new adventure in dreamland.  When you wake… Continue Reading

The Elephant In The Room…..or the mouse that feels like the elephant…….

What do you do when someone asks you to do something that is a common day occurance for almost everyone, but for you, is one of the most impossible things to do and they don’t know how almost impossible it is because you are too embarrassed to tell them?  They know there is a reason why you avoid it, but you keep using generic blanket responses to avoid this huge elephant in the room. What… Continue Reading