Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Hot Mess Daily Life, Humor, Random Musings

THANK GOD THERE IS AN “UNPUBLISH” FEATURE

At least for this blog there is.  In life, not so much.

On this blog, I can rant and cry and whine and bitch about whatever I want, whoever I want, hit publish, feel better about myself because I am too chicken shit to deal with it face to face, AND THEN feel so much remorse and regret exactly 60 seconds later that I change the post to “Draft” status and there it will remain for either eternity, or 10 years from now when no one has any clue what I’m talking about or who I’m referring to. But, I feel an immense weight lifted off my shoulders because I got it off my chest. You have to let it out somehow right?

That “unpublish” feature has saved me from the ramifications of some nasty rants on more than one occasion. Why don’t I just write it in a journal instead of typing it out only to hit unpublish? Well, first, pounding on the keyboard is much more fun and stress relieving than writing because if you push too hard, the pages rip and then it just becomes a mess. But, I usually start it with every intention of making it very generalized so that it would hopefully be applicable to others and I wouldn’t be naming anyone so I would get the relief of getting it out and hopefully helping others.  Unfortunately, once you get me going on a rant, well, sometimes I get a bit sidetracked and the post becomes a little too personal but I hit “publish” anyway because for a split second, I want to have that feeling of satisfaction that you get when you are the one to get “the last word.” In my head I hear the “HA! I showed you!” And then I hit “unpublish” because that would just be public shaming. That’s not my style.

Life however, does not have the “Draft” feature.  Once it’s executed, there is no turning back.  You better make damn sure that you are going to be happy with the outcome, or can deal with the aftermath, BEFORE you execute your actions.  When I was younger, I never thought about that.  Did any of us really?  I mean, honestly.  How many of us really thought that what happened to us in high school or college would affect us when “we grew up?”

Now that we are grown up???  Well, there are still quite a lot of people that don’t really think before they execute, but the majority of us now take life decisions seriously.  We think about the consequences and weigh them before deciding on a plan of action and going forward with it because we know, once we go, we can’t “unpublish” what we just did.

Am I guilty of this?  God, in more ways than one.  I feel like every single thing I say or do should be followed with “Draft” these days. Maybe I am over analyzing everything and making everything too complicated at times, but then some times there is no analyzation at all and I jump based on reflex. (Hmmm.. Bipolar. One extreme or the other, yup, sounds about right.) I just can’t find the solid ground or find that path to who I am anymore.  It’s almost as though every step I take somehow causes someone around me to either get upset, or get hurt, or get mad at me; almost like I need one big huge “UNPUBLISH” button and then start again. You know, so I can “right”  all those wrongs.  A girl can dream right?!

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