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The Anger, the pain, why is this happening all over again?

Because you are a stupid girl. You never learn.

You were hurt. It hurt so bad that you never thought you would recover.  But you did.  You not only recovered, but you fell in love again. Stupid you. Giving your heart up so fast. Stupid you.  Thinking someone understood you.  Stupid you. Believing when they said they would not give up on you.  Fool. Yes. You.  You are the fool.  You believed it.

They were different.  They weren’t like any one else you convinced yourself.  They really did “get” you. They made you laugh and smile.  They gave you hope.  It felt different.  They were soon your best friend. They stood behind you and made you feel like you were making progress.  You tried to do the same for them.  You trusted them with your heart.  They said they would always be there, they would always support you and believe in you. Silly girl.  You believed them.  You always do.

What many people don’t understand is that having bipolar disorder can be a blessing and a curse all at once.  You see, people with bipolar disorder feel things much stronger than the average person.  When they love, they love with every single ounce they have in their heart and body, but when they hurt, they hurt so bad that at times dying feels like the only option to make it go away.  Dramatic?  Yes, people believe that we are “drama queens.”  We are NOT, in fact, “drama queens.”  We are  just feeling our emotions the only way our brain is wired to handle them.

Exhausting?  Yes.  It can be exhausting for both people in the relationship.   It’s not easy, and I never claimed it was, or is.

It’s my fault again though.  I loved too much and trusted too much.  They stopped believing in me but I didn’t see it.  I just kept loving and loving.

And then one day, out of the blue, the message comes. They are done. They’ve closed the door.  Just like that.  The curtain fell and in that instant they just stopped.  The words fell from their lips so calm and emotionless you wondered if it really was them.  How could they be so calm? How could they say they loved you one minute and the very next the door was closed and poof! It was instantly gone for them.

HOW?!!!  HOW DOES SOMEONE DO THAT????  HOW DO YOU JUST SHUT OFF ALL EMOTION????

I don’t understand. I never will.  But I do know this.  I am angry.  I have so much rage inside me that sometimes I am scared to be alone.  How do you just rip out someones heart, smash it to pieces, then sucker punch them in the gut by saying they didn’t see any improvement and stopped believing in you.  They stopped believing in you, but just forgot to tell you when it actually happened, they just suddenly remembered one day and sent out the text. They stopped believing in you so they closed their eyes and didn’t even peek just once to see how much better I was. They just kept them closed, smashed me to pieces and walked away like nothing happened, and just can’t seem to understand why I’m hurting.

I asked them what they would do if their best friend just one day sent them a text saying they give up and no longer can be friends with them.  They replied that they would feel awful.  My response, “well that is exactly what you did to me.”

So walk away like nothing happened, but it should not be any surprise that I am full of anger and rage and so much hurt that it literally hurts to breathe.  The anger makes me want to keep pushing forward and rise to the top while they keep treading water trying to stay afloat.  But there is so much hurt that it is almost physically impossible for me to even get out of bed sometimes and then I get full of rage for allowing myself to love somebody again, especially the love I felt.  I want them to feel how much this hurts.  I want someone to smash them to pieces and then walk away like nothing happened.

But, that is not the kind of person I am.  I don’t get revenge. I just slowly catch my breath again and just when I’m feeling better and life is ok, someone else comes and snatches my heart and I’m blinded and all I see is the good.  It happens everytime.

Not this time.  This hurt has cut deeper than anything ever has. It has destroyed me.  I am not the same person I was.  I don’t feel even remotely the same. I feel cold and empty inside.

The Christi who started this blog and was known as The Bipolar Hot Mess was a kind, loving, and inspiring person.  I set out to educate and bring those in similar situations together so they wouldn’t feel alone.  I wanted to encourage and show everyone that you CAN live a normal life even if you have a mental illness.

The Christi that sits here today can’t even imagine how I could ever inspire anyone again.  Every night I go to bed thinking that when I wake up, I’m going to shut the page down, and then wake up hoping that something would miraculously cure me while I was sleeping and I would wake up and be back to the Christi that was an inspiration.  But instead, the Christi that wakes up is the one who wishes she hadn’t woken up because it hurts so much to even breathe and inside, everything is frozen.

I’m broken.  I’m more broken than I have ever felt in my entire life.  I feel more alone than I ever have, even though I have friends and family with me.  Inside, its like I don’t exist anymore.  There is no more glitter.  There is nothing but black broken pieces.

I’ve lost my faith in everything; in life, in love, in miracles, in everything.  I don’t know that I will ever be the same. I think that the Bipolar Hot Mess as you knew her isn’t coming back.  And its a shame.  She had so much love to give and so much life she had wanted to live, but its gone.  She’s gone. But They walk on, unharmed, and living their life like I never existed.

The Bipolar Hot Mess is dead.  The glitter has all blown away.  Life is now black and white and broken pieces lying in piles of dust.

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