I’m a bitch!
When I have alcohol pulsing through my system, I turn into Cruella DeVille and tear apart everything in my path. I HATE IT!!!! I hate myself for it. I always say that I’m not going to drink anymore, but that never lasts. Usually its the one person I care about most that I hurt. It has gotten to the point that they wouldn’t even accept my apologies anymore. And, now that they are away for awhile, that still didn’t change.
I still tear down people in my path.
So as I sat here in my pile of self loathing and mental self abuse, I thought I would try to think about why I could be doing this.
I know that I don’t enjoy doing it because for days after I feel like a piece of crap for being like that to people who did not deserve it at all, so its not for pleasure.
- Mixes wrong with my meds?
Could be, but I am soooooooo tired of everything in my life being some sort of reaction to meds.
- Self destruction?
I’m not trying to self destruct, because if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be hurting others. I’d be hurting myself.
So for the love of God, why do I do this?! Why do I lash out and say such mean things that even I don’t recognize the person typing them, or saying them, and I wouldn’t talk to that person either.
Sitting here this morning, I was staring at the cell phone with such anger I wanted to throw the stupid thing away because it’s my accomplice in these wretched escapades, but also felt such a sadness and couldn’t help but come to tears every time I looked at it (which was every like 30 seconds). It finally hit me. That “a ha” moment we all wait for. I realized that I worked so hard to pull myself together after I was in the hospital in 2006 and then after the drama 2 1/2 years ago, everyone kept on me about staying strong and keeping it together; that I needed to keep my head on straight, and not go back into the hospital; and to keep fighting hard and stepping up because things could be worse.
So, in auto pilot, that is just what I did. I spent all this time trying hard to maintain composure, staying strong, keeping it together. Occassionally, I would fall apart, but not for very long. No one would let me. And now, well, I have so much emotion of all kinds buried deep down and I can keep buried and hidden away when I am sober, but after a few drinks, it all comes rushing out, like a volcano exploding. Only, when it explodes, it’s all mixed up!!! It’s not aimed where it should and innocent people are injured in the crossfire.
For that, I am truly sorry. There is no good reason that others should have to fall victim to my poor decisions and the circumstances that have affected my life. That is completely unfair to them. I can absolutely see why this would push away the people closest to me. I certainly could only take so much of this type of behavior from someone else before I would want to pack my bags and run.
I have to realize and accept that I don’t live a normal life and I never will again. I also need to learn and accept that I can’t handle alcohol. I am unable to determine when to say enough is enough, and I definitely am not able to handle communicating with ANYONE while intoxicated until I learn to deal with all my underlying issues myself, and not take them out on anyone else.
I need to find a better way to express them. I am really not the Cruella DeVille that I turn into when I have had a few drinks. That is not who I want to be either. There was a time, not too long ago that I was happy, and smiling, and laughing, and fun. I was the person I hadn’t seen in years because I never knew I needed these medicines to help bring me back to balance. But, I did eventually achieve happiness. And thats where I want to be again. And I want to be there without hurting my friends and family anymore.
I know that apologies get old and get stale and after a few of them, they mean less and less and no one believes them, but this comes from the bottom of my heart. I am soo soo sooo sorry for saying things that are truly reprehensible and purely evil. I do not want to continue hurting people. Lately, everything I come into contact with either falls apart or dies. I need to get my shit together and get myself back to where I was. I can’t keep landsliding back because that’s what is happening and it’s scary!!!! So so scary!!!!
To my friends and family that have tolerated all my crazy bullshit and especially to the ones that I have been incredibly evil and mean to, I am soo sorry. I really, truly am. I am fully dedicated to pulling myself back together again. I feel terrible for hurting you guys. The last thing I want to do is alienate those that have been so kinds and supportive to me. Please know that I am sorry and feeling terrible, and hopefully this feeling is what will drive me to being a better person, and a better friend.
I’m sorry. 🙁