The Elephant In The Room…..or the mouse that feels like the elephant…….

What do you do when someone asks you to do something that is a common day occurance for almost everyone, but for you, is one of the most impossible things to do and they don’t know how almost impossible it is because you are too embarrassed to tell them?  They know there is a reason why you avoid it, but you keep using generic blanket responses to avoid this huge elephant in the room.

What the hell am I rambling about????

Cooking.  Yes.  Cooking.  Try telling a former anorexic to cook a meal. Unless you tell me specifically what you want, I think that my Adderall and my Coke Zero is just fine for breakfast, who needs lunch,, and a few handfuls of Mini Wheats for dinner with a chaser of a multivitamin is sufficient.  Being anorexic and bulimic for a good chunk of my life has left me with a fear of the kitchen and a hatred so deep for grocery stores, that the mere thought of having to go to one gives me anxiety.  My trips to the grocery store are usually 2-3 hours in length and result in coming home with a whole bunch of random ingredients, none of which will make a full meal but will make parts of meals, and a lot of fresh produce that will end up uneaten and then thrown out.

Lets add in the fact that for the last 4 or so years, I have been pretty much on my own for meals.  My ex and I were either on two completely different schedules, or he was living in another state, so I was only responsible for myself.  After waking up at 4am and starting to work, getting home at 6pm and working til about 8 or 9pm, who really has the energy to cook a meal for themselves????  I became queen of side dishes and cereal.

Then, lets add in kitchen factors.  For the last 8 years, I have had a kitchen that is bigger than most peoples entire apartment and is stocked with every cooking aparatus (steamers, slow cookers, grills, etc) you could think of making it easy to cook pretty much anything.  IF you had normal eating habits!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I CAN cook.  Give me a recipe and I can follow it and whip up something good.  But, my taste in food is much different than most others and my ex and I had very different tastes in food.  He was a steak and potatoes kinda person and I like to try new things.  I became increasingly frustrated at trying to find things to cook because I was tired of having spaghetti, meatloaf, frozen pizza, and tacos.  Those seemed to be the only things that we could both agree on, and that I would dare try to make.  Trying new things was usually followed by a negative response, so I took that as me being a horrible cook.

So now that he is my ex and I will now be having to start the whole “new relationship” thing all over again, this is an issue that inevitably pops up.  Why in gods name did I have to be so freakin fucked up?!  Couldn’t just ONE THING be easy for me?  I mean honestly.  When God blesses us with our issues, he sure goes all out, thats for darn sure!

One day I will find someone that either understands or can at least tolerate MOST of my craziness and the rest of the craziness I will hopefully be able to overcome so no one will have to deal with it, including me… until then……. I’m going to continue avoiding the kitchen duties……. *sigh*


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