The End of Us

Who knew that after being one of the very few people standing in your court, backing you up when everyone else is running away from you like you are the one in flames standing in a barn full of hay, that the joke would really end up being on ME!  Ironically,  I would somehow be the one on fire and you would not have a fire extinguisher, or even a bucket of water, but you had thrown the flame.   Almost 4 years of this journey has come to an end.

The ending sucked, by the way.

A string and flurry of insults were hurled across the dinner table in front of friends and family directed at me. Phrases including the words, “That’s It,” and “We’re Over.” The imitation of an over-exaggerated version of me crying at the top of their lungs and subsequent getting up from the table, storming through the restaurant and out the door without even as much as a Goodbye to your own mom at the table, was a little, no wait, VERY OVERDRAMATIC.  I would like to think that after being together for such a long period of time, and being through so much together, as we had, we could have at least shown each other, or shown me, a little bit of respect during the final minutes of “us”.

Apparently not.

From what I understood, I made the last few years pretty much hell for you and now,  I was somehow trying to take away everything that you had. Interesting summation and assumptions, considering really all I wanted was to help keep what you had; your freedom and whatever possessions still remained yours. I couldn’t bear to see you go through what you went through during the last 3 months all over again. I am watching you as you self destruct before my very eyes.

When you love someone how can you watch them do that?

You can’t. But, at the same time, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, or someone that thinks they are always right and won’t listen to anything anyone else has to say either.  And that is what I learned from all of this. I am this big bad person and a terrible meanie because I tried to protect him. He always told me he would protect me, so I was trying to do the same for him and protect him to the best of my ability. I did everything I possibly could think of during those 3 months. I tried so hard. I drove all the way up there every single weekend I could, made as many phone calls and sent as many letters as I could too.  That also didn’t count  all the nights spent awake crying and worrying.

So, to sum all this up, while the people he is desperately trying to hold on to to were out partying it up and not giving a crap, I did give a crap but because of that, now I am the evil and mean one?  I don’t understand how that works! I probably never will. Everyone tells me that this is the best thing for me, but it really doesn’t feel like it. At ALL! How can this be the best thing for me when it hurts so much?! How can this be the best thing for him when he is just going to end up back in jail? Is being back in jail what he really needs right now or where he needs to be?  It breaks my heart. It truly breaks my heart to have loved someone so much to just be discarded as easy as throwing away a piece of paper. God. Did I not even matter to you just a tiny bit?? Cripes, then what the hell was I doing for all those years if I could just be thrown out and you could walk away like nothing had just happened, like I was nothing!

I feel like a piece of nothing right now. A piece of nothing.

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