The inital burn. That’s what hurts the most.
The “I can’t believe that this is happening, how could he do this to me, what did I do wrong, and why is he being so mean about it” kind of hurt. The “how am I going to move on from this, who is going to be there for me, who is going to snuggle with me, and make me laugh, and watch tv with me and eat dinner with me and make fun of my mistakes and joke about all my quirks” kind of hurt. The “why does this always happen to me, I must be a terrible person if they don’t love me and no one will ever love me.” kind of hurt. The “now what do I do because the last almost 4 years of my life have been filled with him and memories together and fun and exciting times together and what is going to fill my time now?” kinda loneliness and sadness.
But now. Now I realize, that this is different than all the others.
This time, I wasn’t thinking “man, I hope his life falls into the gutter and he falls off the face of this earth as revenge,” kind of thoughts. I was actually feeling quite the opposite. I was feeling the “I know he doesn’t want me in his life, but there has to be something I can do to help salvage what remains intact of his life.” I have sat and cried, not for me or for my loss, but for him. And for how I wish and hope with all my heart that his eyes and mind finally open up and realize that he is only self sabotaging and there is so much opportunity for him to make his life close to what it was before, he just needs to stop fighting everyone. There are many people that want to help him, and he chose to shut us out, me in particular, but in all honesty, even if we don’t get back together again, I hope for his sake that he opens his eyes and sees what great people he has had beside him for these past 4 months or so and that the people that were there do not want to wish him any harm and are not trying to make his life miserable, but are helping him keep it in check right now, so that in the future his life can be whatever he wants it to be.
Sadly, I don’t know that he ever will see that though.
And that is what I cry about. I am not the type of person who will leave and abandon someone that needs help. When someone I know is in trouble, I help them. About 2 years ago, I learned a lot about support systems and what it is like to have people around you motivating you and caring about your progress each day. Without that support system, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am today. But, I guess in the end, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. And maybe I am wrong about him needing help from others. But it breaks my heart to see the life of the one I love crumbling before my eyes.