All I want is my Reese’s…

With all the ridiculous crap that is going on in my personal bubble these days, suddenly deciding it would be a brilliant idea to change my name to Tina seemed necessary. It all happened so quickly while sitting here in my office.  So excited about the new name change, I wanted to celebrate by going one floor upstairs to the lunchroom to hit up the vending machines as visions of devouring the package of Reese’s Sticks that I have had my eye on for two days were dancing in my head.  I could almost taste the peanut butter in my mouth. Yes, this may seem a bit dramatic and movie like, but so was my life and all the events in it as well.

In my attempt to quash that “that time of the month” chocolate craving,  and celebrate my  new and dramatic life decision to change my name, I marched proudly up the stairs (I did not even wait to take the elevator up the one floor, but barged into the fire escape stairwell) and once I threw open the door, I almost skipped over to the vending machine.

I insert my dollar awaiting my delicious peanut buttery wafer experience and the sound of my 15 cents in change dropping into the cup. I heard the rotating of the spiral on the machine which twisted to allow my selection to fall, and then came the thud of my anticipated sweet treat. I  reached down to grab the Reese’s…………….

BABY RUTH?????!!!!!!  WTF?!!! BABY RUTH!!!

I looked back up at the machine.  I checked, and verified I had typed the correct numbers.  I even called another employee who was walking past  to verify that I was reading the number correctly for my beloved Reese’s.  I had.  This should have been the preview of what was really to come. So, now I have A Baby Ruth and 15 cents and I am pissed. Why did I get the stupid Baby Ruth and not my Reese’s?  Well, the numbers were not aligned correctly on the shelf in the vending machine, therefore making everyone’s selections off by one on that specific shelf.

So, now, I don’t even have enough for my Reese’s unless I go back downstairs, then back upstairs and try again. F*** It. I take my Baby Ruth back to my desk and figure, Eh, its chocolate. It was definitely not as good as my Reese’s, but looking at it, it was really quite telling of my life.  And, what was that?

When I discover there is something I want, I want it so badly, I will do whatever it takes to get it.  In the meantime, I am psyching myself up and getting myself so excited for the end event and that it is going to end positively or in the way I want them too, that when it inevitably comes to the big reveal and its not what I expected or even remotely wanted, my heart and soul gets so incredibly crushed, discouraged, and disappointed, that I have just learned that I need to just settle for whatever happens.  That no matter how hard I work, or try, it’s just not in the cards for me to have that ending that I works so hard to get.

I can change my name, I can change my setting, I can even settle for my non favorite treat when I’ve wanted it for so long, but sometimes I need to accept that my goals are too high, I’ve hurt too many people, and I’m trying to live this unattainable life.  I need to stop living in my own dream land and start living in reality.  Sometimes the goals I have set are just too high for what I realistically can accomplish and I need to start realizing this and making the changes in my life.

To some its just a Baby Ruth instead of a Reese’s. To me, it was a whole lot more.

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