The Reality Check

I can’t rewind the days gone by
Half the things, I can’t explain why.
the things I said, the things I did.
All a mess within my head.
I hate the person that did those things.
Where is the girl with all the dreams?
Hide and go seek with real me.
Trying to break the good Christi free.
I thought I was making a little success.
But after all I was left with a mess.
I broke the heart of the one I love
He needs someone better, I betrayed him enough.
I am unstable, and don’t give all I can
Because I’m exhausted trying to control the evil hand.

When I fall down, I need to be picked up
Encouragement not annoyance so I don’t give up
I want my life to be better and his to be too
I wish a million times that my feeling of guilt, shame, embarassement, and self-hatred he knew.
He is the only man that made me feel part of something
And he is the only man I betrayed because my mind and body got fucked up and now I’m nothing
I’m trying to become the girl from before,
but its harder than I though and I need support more
If it can’t be him, I understand.
This is lifelong and can be controlled but will not end.
I thought I found a home where I could finally be
But that was just an illusion. He’s always upset with me.
I’m never enough, I always do wrong.
While knowing all that, its hard to be strong.

I never finished this poem.  I really wish I could go back to that time and finish it.   Times like this when I am stable and feeling so much better, its hard for me to remember all the pain I felt.  But, then reading these poems, I catch a glimpse.  It gives me that much more strength to want to continue on my path to wellness!!!!

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