So, I’m supposed to be the social media guru. I mean, I have my own blog, I blog for 2 different organizations, I’m on Twitter, and Facebook, and all over the social media blogosphere. I shouldn’t have any issues being social right????? WRONG!!!! DEAD WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have now become so reliant on the computer and my phone, that I think I have lost all sense and my ability at reading social interactions in person. Do I ever call anyone anymore? No way. Why call when I can just text them?! Or send them a message on Facebook?! Its just ONE question right? Well that one questions turns into an entire conversation via text message or on a Facebook wall. The problem with that???? How do you get to understand anyones social cues? You don’t get to hear their voice so you don’t know if they are being serious or joking, angry, sad, disturbed, or any other emotion. Texts and messages through the computer can’t convey emotion.
What about blogging? Very similar. I write on and on (like I am doing now) about whatever it is that I want and convey my beliefs and my emotions and whatnot, and maybe I get some comments here or there. But those comments, hard to tell what emotion or what vibe they are trying to get across to me when its the same black lettering on the same white background and what I used to convey my message.
Then lets add the fact that I have been in a relationship and living with the same person for 7 years. After 7 years, you begin to get comfortable with each other and spend less and less time interacting in fun ways with each other, but more “dutiful” ways like yard work, paying the bills, etc. Since it has been such a long time, you know how to interact with that person and how to read them. You also spend a majority of your time with them, leaving less time to interact with others and less time to continue to practice your social interaction skills.
Add all of those together and in my life, there was no time for social interaction. In fact, I am now becoming paranoid about social interaction (which I haven’t been since I was released from the hospital). I feel as though I can’t read anybodys social cues anymore. I feel like all the knowledge I had before is garbage because I feel that everything has changed. That people act differently now and I didn’t keep up. I got lost in the blogosphere and now I’m trapped.
Its scary to me because I used to be very social. I could strike up a conversation with so many people and always find people to talk to or have fun with at any event or place I went. Now, I just sort of clam up. I keep to myself and stick by the side of whomever I went to the event with. WHAT THE HELL IIIISSSSS THAT????!!!! THAT IS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SOOOOO NOT ME! If you asked any of my friends, they would also tell you the same thing. THAT IS NOT ME!!!!!
For various reasons, I am told I am to take a leave from mental health blogging sites and not even READ anything about mental health. I’m supposed to use this time to give my brain a rest and to “find myself” again. Well, all of a sudden I have all this free time on my hands, no idea how to “find myself” but know that there are several people I like to talk to because I laugh etc…. So, given all this aimless free time, I start texting…and posting, and texting, and posting, to the point where I have now annoyed the people who enjoyed my company. So now I feel horribly bad because I’m supposed to be pulling away from the computerized socialization, and instead I went in the complete opposite direction and pissed off the people I actually have relationships with outside the computer. *bangs head on desk, glitter spills on floor*
Point is, I know my feelings. I know what I feel, I know how to feel, I have bipolar for heavens sake. I feel emotions like 1,000 times stronger just because of that. I know when I’m happy, dear lord I know when I’m sad or upset, I know when I’m in love, I know when angry, and I absolutely know when I am lonely. I find that I can express my emotion through these blogs or FB/Twitter posts or text messages and the audience there takes it as they take it and I’m not personally shut down for what I’m feeling. They can take it on its face, they can assume I’m joking, or whatever, but there is no risk of watching someone walk away when you tell them something. There is no risk of being ridiculed if you have tears in your eyes, or unemotional after you tell them you love them. You don’t have to experience any of that right in front of your eyes. If you keep contact with people through just the computer and text messages, your feelings aren’t going to get hurt. Because while I feel good feelings 1,000 times stronger than normal, I feel those bad feelings 1,000 times stronger too. I found a way to deal with the lonliness and protect myself from those feelings of hurt.
So, I have tried to protect myself, but its completely changed who I am. Rejection was one of my biggest issues growing up and even through today. I’m afraid to come out of my safe haven because of rejection. I’m afraid to admit to real feelings because they may be rejected or dismissed. Somehow though, in order to find my true self, I have to open myself up to that.
To those I have annoyed and pestered these last few weeks, I apologize. I was not trying to be the most obnoxious person ever, yet thats what I became. It took a swift kick in the ass for me to see it and I thank the person who gave it too me too. I promise to stop being obnoxious with my texts and emails and posts and start finding that awesome Bipolar Hot Mess again……cause I miss her too! I’m kinda tired of hiding out and kinda tired of hiding my emotions behind the computer or phone.