They said it would be better

Yes. They all said that after my divorce was final, I would feel better.  But I don’t.  I feel just the same; if not worse.  They said I would feel a huge weight lifted off me.  But I don’t.  Instead I feel an ever greater weight on me…..an enormous attorney bill contributing to it all.  They said it would be a brand new, fresh start, but it isn’t.  Its the same thing it was the day before, only more in debt and more uninspired.  What’s fresh about that? I’m still living with my parents on an inflatable mattress with even more debt collectors after me because all my funds are going to my attorney.

So, why do I feel so bad? I feel like a failure.  I was brought up with the philosophy that through rich or poor, in sickness and in health, til death do us part, you tried and you tried to make your marriage work because divorce was not an option.  I feel like a loser because I’m unemployed and on disability and at this rate, I’m never going to get back to work because I just feel worse and worse everyday.

I’ve gotten to the point where I have alienated everyone by my hibernation, including my own dog!  Even he doesn’t like to be around me anymore.  While, I am slowing getting better from my back problems with physical therapy, it is difficult to stand or sit for long periods of time, so going out is not so much an option, heck, I don’t even drink anymore because I want so badly for this med combo to work and I don’t want anything else to affect it.

I want to get better!  I want so badly to get better!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am soooooo tired of these tears everyday.  I’m tired of feeling like a big Debbie Downer burden to everyone.  I want to be back to my old self.  I feel like I’ve tried everything.  I know that I’m supposed to be inspiring everyone and telling everyone how great things CAN be for you and how your life WILL be great if you just stick to your treatment plan, but right now, I don’t even think that’s possible.  I feel like maybe, for some people, getting better just isn’t in the cards.  That maybe, just maybe, I’m the small percentage that falls into the exceptions.  Which exceptions?  EVERY exception that is negative of course.

I feel like I am poison to everything I touch and everywhere I go.  I hurt everyone I meet, not intentionally, but because I can’t get out of this black hole.  I’m in a pit of dark confusion and crawling around looking for hope and trying to bury the bad vibes that seem to follow me around no matter where I go.

I make all the right things wrong, and makes all the wrong things more wrong.  I can’t get it right.  I just can’t seem to make it right and make it work.  Any of it.  Any part of it.  Yet somehow, all of you guys still visit my page everyday and it puzzles me.  I feel like I’m a walking disaster, yet you guys find hope.  Maybe because I’m like you in a lot of ways, or maybe because I make you feel better because there is someone who feels worse than you, so you find you are making progress yourself.  Whatever the case, I appreciate each and every one of you that follow my blog and my page and hope that I don’t let YOU down too.

I wish the tears would stop.  I wish this feeling would go away.  Most of all, I just wish that I could do all the right things for just one day.  Say all the right things, and go to sleep wanting to wake up tomorrow and try it again.  Maybe tomorrow will be that day, for now all I can do is hope, but something has to get better, and soon or I just don’t know how else I can cope.

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Christi


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