Yeah. Ever have those times when things just come out of your mouth and you don’t realize what you really said until after it was out and you played it back in your head???? Yeah. I have that problem a lot of the time. When I get angry or upset, whoooooosh. All kinds of nasty things come out of my mouth and I can’t take them back. Even if I don’t mean them. Why can’t I just apologize? Because people get sick of apologies. They get tired of hearing the standard “I’m sorry” only to be flung with the hurtful things when I’m on my next rampage, (even though I truly don’t mean what I say in those rampages). Even though I wish I could throw all those mean things at myself and make myself hurt the way I hurt them. It always happens to those I care about the most. Its like I do that to push them away so I don’t I have to let them in and allow them to get closer to me because I’m afraid THEY will hurt ME more. That’s really quite childish. Adults don’t throw strings of insults at people they care about. But I do. Because I am a dumbass.
What is this post really about? It’s about realizing that “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix everything. When someone says those words over and over, others become immune to them. Its also about not hurting others just to protect yourself. Give people a chance. Open your heart and let it be open. Don’t start closing yourself because you are afraid. At the end of the day, you lose out on possibly having a great person in your life and that potentially great person ends up hurt. Its not fair, especially not to them.
So, I need to stop wallowing in all the past hurts and grow up. Hurting those that care about you the most, or are trying to be part of your life, is not the answer to curing my own hurt. Because right now, I feel so incredibly horrible and have so much anger and sadness for how I acted, that it just made my previous hurt even worse. It didn’t make me feel better one bit. AND, I’ve hurt others too. One day I will learn that I’m a dumbass. One day, I will make a correct decision. When? That I have no idea, but one day……… until then……. this shitty feeling dumbass is going to continue to hide under her covers……..