I’m tired. Tired of what you ask. Tired of trying to be everything to everyone. Tired of trying to do everything for everyone and tired of acting like I can do everything for everyone. I’m tired of everyone expecting me to do everything for them and getting upset and making snide comments about me when I can’t do everything.
PEOPLE. There are only 24 hours in a single day. I have BIPOLAR for gods sake, so getting my designated number of hours of sleep (7-8) is crucial to prevent breakdown and my moods get all out of whack and I start to go crazy, making things worse! I spend from 7:15 am to about 5:30 or 6pm outside of the house and at the office. That leaves a measly 4-5 hours at night to get things done during the week. If stores close or customer service lines shut down around 9pm CST, that only leaves about 3 hours for that.
And I try. I really try. Most of the time, I actually get everything done. But the sad thing? It’s not enough. It’s just not enough. Somewhere, through all of that, there is a voice that continues to say, “she should be doing more.” I hear it in the back of my mind every single day. Every time I sit down to relax or enjoy a minute to myself, I hear the voice saying I’m bad at my role as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend, as an employee, as a blogger. I’m terrible at it. No matter what I do, I’m never going to be anything close to what’s expected. And the plain and simple reason for that is that I don’t have enough hours in the day. I can’t work full time and do everything else too. I can do some things, but I can’t do it all. I do the best I can. While logically, I know that I am doing the best I can and that not everyone is holding me to this impossible standard, I still feel like a failure.
People say forget that voice, its quite ridiculous. But I can’t. You know how there are certain things, an insult, a put down, something negative, that is said to you, even just one time, that just sticks with you for as long as you can remember? For example, maybe the little boy who teased you when you were in like 3 or 4th grade. You can still hear his stupid little chants, or the teacher or professor who told you that you would never amount to anything (but you ended up being 10 times more accomplished than even they were), or a certain phrase your mom or dad said to you growing up, could be positive, but most times, it’s only the negative things that stick like super duper Guerilla Glue. Those phrases stick like glue in your brain and never really go away mostly because you are shocked and you never, ever thought the person felt that way or would say something like that about you, but they did. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, and we should all expect to get hurt sometimes. But sometimes it hurts us a little more when it comes from the voice of someone you never expected it too, rather than an enemy or someone who disliked you.
So everyday I try harder and harder to prove those thoughts in my head to be wrong. I overcompensate for everything. And why? I don’t really know why. It doesn’t make me feel better or make the thoughts go away. It just makes me feel worse because I still hear them echoing in the back of my mind. They continue to echo because they are trying to tell me that no matter what I am doing, its not going to make a lick of difference. It’s still not going to be good enough, or anywhere close to being enough by any stretch of the imagination, regardless of how much I try and effort I put in. Yet I still put so very much weight on certain opinions that even though others disagree, I still can’t get over it.
In life, everyone seems to have that one person who’s affirmation and respect you desire. When it is that person that thinks negatively of you, it hurts worse and so you try that much harder to disprove those negative opinions and get the affirmations you desire from them. I just keep on trying, and keep on trying, knowing, that its not going to make a difference in what or how they think of me and what I do, but yet to me, just giving up would make it worse, and accepting it would just be unthinkable. I have the tendency to strive for perfection. (Part of the eating disorder that creeps out every now and again to say hello)
I just keep telling myself that no matter how exhausted I am, I’m not going to stop trying. I won’t. If I do, then they win. NO WAY!
Unfortunately, it is that type of attitude which led to me having a breakdown. I was barely sleeping trying to get everything done that I could possibly do and without asking for help. These type of unreal expectations are the kind that will keep bringing you down and causing break downs, or will keep you from ever getting back up on your feet. Its a hard process, but at some point, its time to let those phrases go. Tell yourself “they may have been true THEN, but not now.” Leave the ones that hold your dirty baggage at the baggage claim, UNCLAIMED and start fresh and new. Again, its not easy, but its what I have had to do to make a fresh start in getting back on my feet.