What happens if……

So, here I am, things are starting to go well in my life.  (I know, I knocked on wood, several times).  The worst is behind me, or so I hope, and I’m moving on.  I’m elated at the thought of that, who wouldn’t be after the last few, ok last like 10 years, have unfolded. But then I suddenly began to panic.

Why?

Well what in the hell could I possibly blog about if unbelievably ridiculous things DISCONTINUE!!!!    That has been the basis of my blog so far. Without all these “Can’t Make This Shit Up,” stories, what kind of content will I have for the blog?

I mean, sure I will have little stories about the smelly afro head kid on the bus that put his head on my shoulder and started reading my text as I was typing it, but what happens if everything else stops?

What if my life becomes (gasp) NORMAL????  Could I even handle that???

Right now, my doctor says that I am doing so well, he is ready to start weening me off of my meds.

Wait, WHAT?? WEEN ME OFF MY MEDS??

He doesn’t think I need to be at such high doses anymore. That’s a good thing right? Well, yes it’s a good thing, but I’m used to sitting in that chair and being handed that stack of white rectangular pieces of paper with either different medication names or stronger doseages of the meds I’m currently on; NOT the opposite!

And THEN he also told me that in the event that I decide I want to have kids, he wants me off the meds.

KIDS??!!! 

You mean, I’m becoming normal enough that there is a possibility of me having a child??!!!!  And that someone is confident enough in me and my progress to believe that I could actually take care of not only myself, but ANOTHER human? Oh. My. God.

I have welts on my arms right now because I keep pinching myself wondering if this is real.  Is it??????

For the last, oh I don’t even know how many years, I felt like I had the black cloud hovering over me whereever I went, ready to pour when just an inkling of sun was going to attempt to break through just enough to let a little millimeter of a ray to shine down on me.  Now, the sun is shining bright and I have lost or broken all of my sunglasses!!  I’m blinded and don’t know where to step next or what to do.  What do (gasp) normal people do???

You know, now that I think about it….. I’m exhausted.   Maybe I need a vacation.  Or, a nap.  I will settle for a nap.  Either way, if this really is true and I’m starting to become stable enough and I’m utilizing my coping techniques properly, and the sun is breaking out, this is going to be a whole new world for me. Something I haven’t felt or experienced in a really long time, and finally, something that I’ve been longing for is coming back to me.

HOPE.  There is hope that I can recover and begin to live a life that I want to live that is NOT controlled by my bipolar or any of my other illnesses, but a life controlled by ME,

There is HOPE!!!

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Christi

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